Door: Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock!

Me: .

Roommate comes running down the stairs: Did someone knock on the door?

Me: Yes.

Roommate: Who was it?

Me: I didn't look. It's Halloween.

Roommate looking out the lite in the door: I can't see anyone.

Me: Must have left then.

Roommate: But who was it?

Me: It's Halloween. Or maybe it was your son.

Roommate opening door: Sean? Sean? SEAN?

Neighbour: (inaudible to me)

Roommate coming back inside: Oh. It was a witch. (Goes back upstairs.)

Door: Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock!

Roommate comes running down the stairs: Well it must be the front door cause there's no one at the back.

Me: IT'S HALLOWEEN.

Fuuuuuuuuuuh...

This year for Halloween I'm going as a lesbian.

I've discovered a new pastime. I complain mournfully of my health without specifying what the problem is. People listen politely, because that's socially acceptable. Then, to make small talk, they're like "so what did the doctor say?" or something like that. And I say "strep throat" and they're like "WTF STREP THROAT IS CONTAGIOUS GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!"

LOLLLLLLLLLLLL...

Penicillin! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy! Whether or not it treats my throat affliction, at least it's the most penis I've had in 6 1/2 years.

Walking through the mall in hijab; other women in hijab smile at me. Wear hijab, make more friends.

Hmmmmmmmm... This blue hijab makes me look fat. WTF? You infidels assured me it would make me invisible!!!!

A manager at work: Are you computer savvy?

Me (suspicious): Depends what you need.

Manager, looking blankly at the Microsoft Office icons: I want to make a sign with a line around the page. Like, you know, about an inch in?

Me: Microsoft Word.

Microsoft Word: Yes, Dave.

Me: Page layout → Page Borders → Box → OK

Microsoft Word: Yes, Dave.

Manager: OMG THAT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!

Me (joking): Yay, I get an award!

Manager: Damn rights!

.

.

.

Srsly???????

So I got an award for putting a border around a page in MS Word. Now I'll do just about anything for an award since they have a cash value, but getting an award for that makes my job sound way too easy.

Lab results not in. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! BOoohoohoohoohoo...

Deirdre: last time I had strep I got the results the day after I finished the 5 day course of antibiotics they prescribed for me just in case. We were pretty sure it was strep so I went ahead and filled it. Turns out, it was strep! So glad I didn't suffer through 6 days of waiting for results.

Me: Yeah, I think I'm just gonna fill it. I'm getting that bad taste in my mouth like pneumonia tastes, so something kinda needs to be done. If I can just get up the energy to walk to the pharmacy.

(Later) When you think about it, that makes perfect sense. They do a Gram stain first, and if that doesn't tell them anything they do a culture.

Deirdre: And it's not a very speedy growing culture

Me: Which would be consistent with the fact that it's been getting worse very, very gradually for six days.

Still more than 12 hours before I get the results of my throat swab. I don't usually wish to test positive for anything, but I really hope this turns out to be strep throat. At least strep throat is treatable.

Seriously though, how come you can get a prescription for marijuana, which has no medicinal properties, but not for cocaine, which does? I'm pretty sure a joint would do NOTHING for my sore throat. Just like this useless cocaine-free spray. >8(

Me, typing in address bar: Wikipedia.

Wikipedia: Yes, Dave.

Me, typing in Wikipedia search bar: Wikipedia.


Sigh... it's gonna be a long day at work. Again.

Doctor: Are you on any medication?

Me: Venlafaxine.

Doctor: 150? 225?

Me: 37.5.

Doctor: LOL (That actually happened. Ed.)

Seriously, people just don't realize how powerful venlafaxine is when you're doing your CBT right.


Ioana: He laughed because 37.5 is way below any recommended therapeutical dosage. 75 mg is usually the lowest prescribed.

Me: I'm aware. I used to take 225. But 37.5 is actually all you need to get the reuptake inhibitor effect. People keep stepping it up because they don't feel better but I've never found that higher doses make you feel any better. For that you need CBT and changes in your life. I've always found there is a much greater difference in going from 0 to 37.5 than from any other change in dosage; and in addition the small additional effect from increased doses fades rapidly. Hence the constant stepping up.

I so don't have the energy to walk to the walk-in clinic.

Well, radiant health has yet to turn up. Sigh...

Historical "fact" that's actually a myth: cowries shells were widely used as a precursor to currency.

True story.

Maybe my spray has morphine in it. Cause I keep looking at the clock waiting for the time to push the plunger again.

Rust-coloured sputum! Now I'm almost guaranteed some time off work. Though with my luck, it's also possible that I'll wake up tomorrow in the most radiant health just in time to go to work after all.

Whenever my roommate wonders how her son turned out to be a drug addict I'm tempted to point out her own extremely poor behavioural controls. But, you know, why mention it when it won't do any good?

Allen likes this.

Me: And by the way, Allen, the guy she "broke up with" last weekend got horny so they're back "together."

I got an over-the-counter throat spray from Shoppers. It contains NO cocaine or even lidocaine. What a gyp. >8(

It's -3 C outside. I turned the heat in the house down to 17 C so it hasn't kicked in for hours. I'm sitting in front of my open window. And I'm getting warmer and warmer. Menopause or... actual fever? I wonder if I can leverage this into calling in sick Monday.

Intentional homicide rates:

• Honduras, 82.1 per 100,000 (highest in the world)
• El Salvador, 66.0 (second highest)
• Kings of England since 9th century, 22,472 per 100,000 (had there been 100,000 kings of England)
• Roman emperors, 32,824 per 100,000

Tell me again how they were all paranoid??? Everyone WAS out to kill them, that's what.

(Winnipeg is 5.08 and that's considered a rough place.)

Seriously, Brain, the ONE NIGHT that I have to go to bed early and wake up in the MORNING, that's the day you pick to be completely wired? Not to mention the day that I'm sick and uncomfortable and everything hurts? I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!!!!!

Allen: Sounds like a story to me.... wired how?

Me: You give me too much credit for funny adventures. My brain was just super wide awake all night for no apparent reason. Just because it's Scumbag Brain and that's what Scumbag Brain does.

228 pages of notes to type up again. How did it come to that?

Some birthdays around this time:

24 - Pierre-Gilles de Gennes, Robert Mundell, Thomas Mulcair

25 - Evariste Galois, Johann Strauss II, Georges Bizet, Pablo Picasso, Klaus Barbie

26 - Francois Mitterrand, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, Hillary Clinton, Evo Morales

27 - Niccolo Paganini, Theodore Roosevelt, Dylan Thomas, K.R. Narayanan, Sylvia Plath, John Cleese, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva

28 - Jonas Salk, Coluche, Bill Gates, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I suppose statistically, famous people's birthdays are probably distributed exactly the same as anyone else's, though.

Winnipeg Public Library's Facebook page: Today (Friday) until 5:00 pm let us know one or two books you really liked, and we’ll come up with one or two suggestions for you!

Me: (To WPL) 1. "Design and control of concrete mixtures, 8th Canadian edition" (Cement Association of Canada) 2. "A history of metallurgy" (R.F. Tylecote)

(Apart) Hehehehehehehehe...

Winnipeg Public Library after 20 minutes: How about Metallurgy Fundamentals: Ferrous and Nonferrous, 5th edition by Brandt? (Challenge accepted).


They saw what I did there, see?

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave?

Me: Milwaukee high speed st-

Google: Milwaukee high speed steel annular cutter?

Apparently Google knows my inventory better than my boss does. Big surprise there...

So, the coworker who heard me call the boss "dumbass" told the ones who didn't, including texting the ones who weren't even at work. And he's one of the most hard-ass guys on the team, so I'm impressed that he was that impressed. And now "dumbass" is an inside joke. Cause when you put boxes on shelves for a living, anything seems funny after a while.

So what is Sachin Tendulkar gonna do first: build a hospital, a university, or a political party?

Called my boss "dumbass" and got away with it. I guess the bastard didn't hear me. The coworker who did thought that was pretty cool.

One of the great perks of being single is that your bed is a completely bullshit-free zone where no one can come and aggravate the crap out of you. Unless you have a cat.

Gilles and Diana like this.

Diana: No guy or cat is worth uninterrupted sleep.

Caroline: Unless you have a kid.

Me: Right. Forgot that part, probably on account of no kid having particularly aggravated me while I lay in bed.

Diana: A kid might be worth it. Depending how cute.

Caroline: Good for you. As far as I'm concerned, no grown-up ever climbed in my bed at 3.30 in the morning on the sole purpose of vomiting his last meal (thus aggravating me). Which is why "a kid" comes quite naturally to my mind when we talk about aggravating factors.

Me: I bet no child ever had to be arrested for aggravating you as you lay in bed at 3:30 am. (To Diana:) I'll take your word for it.

Caroline: Well, no less than any cat, I would say.

Me: Right. In that case, cats have DEFINITELY climbed on my bed for the purpose of throwing up.
Caroline likes this.

Sometimes my dog trembles violently and people get all worried about her. "Oh she's cold, she's scared, have you asked the vet" blah blah blah. Yeah yeah. Sometimes even *I* get worried about it. And then I remember that she does it on purpose, to manipulate me. You know how I know? Because she NEVER shakes when she's asleep.

Things that get said in my voice lessons.

- I wish I had a ruler so I could smack you with it.

- Stop smiling! We don't smile in here.

- Wait - I breathed backwards.

- It sounds like the muscles at the back of your tongue are pulling back.

- You're getting "singer's hands".

- What did you do wrong?
- I smiled. :(

- Imagine you're fat.
- My waist is a big tire that's slowly expanding?
- No, REALLY fat! Like a soprano!

- I'm meeeeeelting!
- Excellent.

- This would be a lot easier at the barre.

- Slide!

So I emailed my pastor to ask what was so funny about the Lord solving my problem and he replied thusly:

I’m not sure “funny” is the right word: delighted and filled with joy would be more like it. I’m not sceptical at all. For one thing, it doesn’t surprise me that God answers prayers (although often it seems like the answer is “no”: I’m totally happy that the answer was “yes” in this case). You’re quite right: I wouldn’t bother doing a healing service – or leading worship at all, or even doing the exorcisms I’m occasionally called upon to do – if i didn’t believe God answers prayer. And I pray quite a bit every day. Although not all that prayer consists of asking God for things. Mostly it consists of thanking and being silent. But I certainly do ask him for healing for those who are in need of it.

So: sorry for the misunderstanding. Is delight and joy not an appropriate response when prayer has been answered?

Well that makes sense then.

Me, to utility company via email: Yo, why haven't I received any bills since I moved into this house 68 days ago?

Utility company: Here's your bill. It's due tomorrow.


Hmmmm... Why do I suspect the roommate, who usually gets the mail first since she's home 24/7, took the bill and withheld it from me for some reason that makes sense in her weird little "if I ignore it it's not a problem" weltanschauung?

When The Brain runs low on oxytocin it dreams about... Imran Khan. Aw, poor lonely Brain. I'd feel bad for you but that's what you get for being a Scumbag Brain. Neener neener.

Me, cheerfully, to my surliest coworker: Good morning, Herb!

Herb: Hm.

Me: How are you?

Herb: Meh. You?

Me: Could be worse.

Herb: How?

Me: Well I don't have dysentery. Or cholera. Yet.

Herb: .

.

.

.

.

What did you say?

Me: Nothing.

Yo Hay River, guess what? Winnipeg is having its own fire hall boondoggle! Y'all move over here, you'll feel right at home!!!!

Remember how I was going to wear hijab at soccer, but then I didn't play soccer this year so I never got to wear my hijab? Me too. So I kept thinking "where am I gonna wear my hijab?" Not that it isn't appropriate in most places (it would be a bit weird at church or ballet, I suppose), but I thought the people who know me without hijab would be weirded out if I turned up suddenly with hijab.

Sadly, I don't care what other people think of me, and my ears are cold in this weather, so screw it, I'm a' wear my hijab wherever I want. First hijab outing: walking the dog. One old dude gave me dirty looks. I'd give him the finger, but I'm far too saintly for that in my hijab. So other than that, pros and cons of hijab are as follows:

PROS:

1. Mad comfy. Seriously.
2. Definitely far more comfortable than a bra and high heels, by the way.
3. Did I mention, comfy?
4. Keeps ears warm in winter, protects from sunburn in summer.
5. Looks waaaaaaayyyyyy better than a toque, bandana, sun hat, baseball cap, or any other socially acceptable head covering I've tried. And I'm not even wearing a pretty one.
6. You know how you go to the fabric store and look at everything and you're like "I'd love to make something with this"... but you can't because you don't know how to sew? No longer! If you can hem, you can make your own hijab. And it doesn't cost you twelve yards, either.
7. Comfy.
8. Pleasing to the Lord, as far as we know. Though that's not such a big deal since I'm a Lutheran and therefore I'm saved with or without hijab.
9. NO dudes hit on me while wearing hijab.
10. Finally a solution to the never-ending bad-hair-day that is my life!
11. Stickin' it to the Quebec Charter of Values! Especially when worn with an English-only t-shirt. Still looking for that "larger than average" crucifix.

CONS:

1. Not very convenient for putting your glasses back on.
2. I can guaranteed I will spill coffee on it sooner or... even sooner.
3. As a white, Christian woman, maybe I should have picked different colours than blue and ecru. Cause I do kinda look like I'm going as Mother Theresa for Hallowe'en.

In conclusion, I will definitely wear hijab more often.

New rule! I've got 99 problems. You have to name at least TWO of them before telling me any of yours.

Tatelena: Problem 1 • shitty roommates problem 2 • you miss Tyrell

Me: You're good!!!!!!! Now tell me one of your problems.

Tatelena: Now mine ..ready?? Ahh not enough room to type all my problems *giggles

Me: LOL Any sick kids today? Or bitches talking shit behind your back?

Tatelena: Ahh yes that's always an issue, the bitches. One kid coughing. Lol!!!

Caroline: 1: dog pissing on blankets. 2: C6#.

Nathan: But a bitch ain't one. Hit me!

Me: Caroline gets to tell me a problem. Nathan doesn't.

Caroline: Hip tendonitis coming fast. And I think that my problems list pretty much ends there. (but it's a pain in the ass nevertheless - well, not really in the ass obviously - because it will forbid climbing for a while).

Me: Oh yeah, that sucks.

Jaeda: 1. You miss me (don't kid yourself I know you do) 2. Someone didn't mud the wall properly.

Me: LOL very perceptive Jaeda. Yes I do miss you and you're awfully quiet lately... I hope all is well with you.

Donna: #1. Your voice teacher changing your lesson time. #2. The dog with the "Piss on you" attitude.

Me: Oh yeah, the voice teacher thing was aggravating. And now my lesson is on Tuesday so I only get 5 hours of sleep between work and singing. On the other hand I got switched to the really awesome New Voice Teacher who is, well, really awesome. So that wasn't all bad. The dog is, shall we say, "pissing me off".

Caroline: What about Donna's problem by the way ?

Me: Yeah, Jaeda and Donna did not share any problems. They're optimists.

Jaeda: Actually I'm not. I only have one problem and it's that my feet and knees hurt from standing around all morning while only have my chuck taylor shoes.

Me: Oh yeah. Not much support in those. I hope you have a more comfortable rest of the day.

There is a world of difference between putting mud on drywall and knowing how to mud. If I still see the joint after I paint, you don't know how to mud.

Now I lay me down to sleep. The Lord is gracious and compassionate.

Well peeps, I just concluded the deal with the guy who will be replacing the Little Princess as the third roommate. Will he be awesome or a pain in the arse? The plot thickens!

Allen: Old? Young? Nuts? I cant wait for more details and funny stories! When does he move in?

Me: LOL I knew you people would be all about it. He's 26, construction worker, does not appear to be nuts based on my advanced psychiatric diagnostic skills. And he can move in whenever he wants as long as I get the rent on time.

Allen: Cool. Sounds like a winner. Well at least for now!

Me: I'm sure he'll have all kinds of weird quirks I can get annoyed at.

Allen: Lmao, really cant wait!

Me: If it's any help, the existing roommate just got dumped by her friends-with-benefits of four years.

Allen: Lmao...so how does that affect you?

Me: So far, I've just had to listen to a rant about men. It will be interesting to see how she proceeds from here, but I doubt she'll do anything funny on a cold Sunday night.

Allen: Now u just get to hear all the buzzing coming from her room. Lmao

Megan: Roommates are crazy. Mine said goodbye to me as I went on vacation, then listed the house for sale without telling me, and then acted all surprised when I made plans to move out.

Me: LOL Allen. (To Megan:) Yeah, roommates are weird. But they do allow us a higher standard of living for our money.

Allen: How could I let that pass without such a comment. You really should know me better by now.

Me: Actually I'm surprised you didn't have something cruder than that.

Allen: The thought crossed my mind. Maybe the new roommate will fill in?

Me: If he "fills in" anything it better not be her. She's 50 and I saw him first.

Allen: Ohhh this could get interesting..lol

Me: LOL I'll let you know...

Allen: Good Luck!

On my Twitter feed: "family jewels on display at WAG (Winnipeg Art Gallery - Ed.) next week". Damnit, I hate this modern concept of genitalia as "art".

What I did this weekend: cleaned house; arrived at agreement in principle with probable new roommate; saw a ballet; got lots of sleep; went to church; bought groceries; did laundry; folded laundry; showered; washed dog; cooked dog food; did dishes; did laundry again thanks to the dog; beat several levels of Candy Crush. Sadly I'm now all out of ways to procrastinate studying. D'OH!!

The dog pissed on her blanket. I washed the blanket. I dried the blanket. I gave the blanket back, fresh out of the dryer. The dog looked me straight in the eyes, pointedly, sustainedly, while... pissing on her blanket. WHAT THE FUCK????????????

Wayne: lol

Me: You wanna come over here and wash it again, Hot Chocolate?

Me: hahahaha,no way

Me: Also I washed the dog herself because she smelled of dog piss and no sooner is she done pissing on her blanket that she lies in it again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!! You evil animal!!!!!

(To Wayne:) Come over here and shoot her. You can pass off the hide as a very small coyote.

Wayne: hahaha

Donna: Your dog sure is "pissed" about something!

Me: I know. What I don't know is what she's pissed off about. Nothing has changed in our life recently, so why is she suddenly getting all fussy, clingy, and pissing-on-things-y?

Donna: Maybe she liked the little Princess.

Me: NO ONE liked the Little Princess. And the time lapse between him leaving and her acting up is too long.

You're sick? Poor you. Do the doctors expect you to survive? Oh, you're not sick enough to need a doctor? Then you're not sick enough for this much self-pity. Get out of bed, have a hot shower, put on clean clothes, eat some real food that didn't come out of a can, and do some chores. You'll feel much better. And if you don't, at least the rest of us will, and chores will get done.

My pastor, after the service: So, are you having a better week than last week?

Me: I certainly am. The Lord fixed my problem.

Pastor: Really???

Me: Of course. The Lord is my shepherd, there is nothing that I shall want.

Pastor: Er... right. We should have a study group on that, you can lead.

Me: What?

Pastor: No, no, whatever you say.

Me: He DID fix my problem. Abundantly, even.

Pastor: Of course. I'm sure you're right.


Dafuq? If my pastor doesn't believe God solves problems, who will?

Facebook comments:

Caroline: Maybe he knows better.

Me: If he can say "conceived by the Holy Spirit" with a straight face (which I know he doesn't believe), he can humour me on this. Also this was just after the healing service with laying on of hands and shit so what's wrong with the Lord solving MY problems?

Dana: OK, so your pastor doesn't believe that God can fix your problems or that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit, but your pastor lays hands and expects God to heal through him???? Can you remind me again Why you go to this church???

Me: Well he and I don't believe Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit because the Lord said "he is my son, my chosen one" (Luke 9:34) and at Jesus' baptism "this day have I begotten you" (Luke 3:22 though some manuscripts have "with you I am well pleased" instead). And I like him because he preaches a methodist theology-of-the-cross type message which agrees with my understanding of the word of the Lord. I'm really baffled by this conversation, though. Of course the Lord fixed my problem, because who else would?

Caroline: Who else caused it, by the way ?

Me: Human dishonesty. Or possibly Allah, seeing as it was a dishonest Muslim. (<- sarcasm)

Another thing they have in Winnipeg is this different type of rain that's white and kinda flutters down slowly instead of falling. I'll have to ask what they call it.

Ioana: When you find out, just keep it there for another month or two. I don't miss it at all!

Me: Pff. No way Edmonton is getting anything as cool as we have here in Winnipeg.

Donna: That Winnipeg is sounding more intriguing with every post.

Me: I know, right? Just one exciting adventure after another! The days are jus packed!

This north wind makes my ears cold. I bet I wouldn't have this problem if I was wearing my hijab.

Hassaan: If u'll start wearing hijab, u won't have many problems here and hereafter IA.

Me: I think so too.

Hassaan: thats really great

So not in the mood for getting up and going to church... and anything else I have to do today...

Ballet, then McDonald's. Winnipeg is the happiest place on earth.

Mardrey, Diana and Valentine like this.

Valentine: Et ce ballet c'etait bien?

Me: Ah oui, le ballet était TRES bien. Le Royal Winnipeg Ballet est une des top trois raisons qui m'ont fait choisir Winnipeg.

RWB can actually make Margaret Atwood not suck. That's how EPIC Winnipeg is.

On my way to see the ballet Handmaid's Tale. Should be weird.

Me, with a skid of table saws, to coworker monopolizing the Order Picker: Yo, lend me the Order Picker for a minute so I can work these table saws.

Coworker: Ok. Oh wait, that's the same saw I hurt my back with. So what I usually do with them is...

Me: If you hurt your back doing it, shouldn't you do it a different way?

Coworker: Meh. It will be fine.

Sigh...

Pusher on Main Street: "wanna buy some pills? Or earrings?" Er... Is that some slang I don't know, or just plain weird?

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave?

Me: c-o-n-g

Google: Congenital syphilis.

Wow. Apparently Google has lived up north too.

If I had cocaine I could mix it in water and drink it and it would probably be more effective as a topical analegesic than these feeble throat lozenges. >8(

So I'm at my voice lesson choking on the top note on my warmup again and again... as always... and then I notice what my teacher is playing: C#6. Therefore a semi-tone higher than C6 that I've been working on. Well that explains the choking then!

I had Thanksgiving dinner with the same family who invited me for Easter dinner. Also wearing the same pants. After Easter dinner the pants were too tight; after Thanksgiving dinner I can fit four fingers in my waistband with room to spare. Another of the benefits of Winnipeg.

Managed to escape from the house despite the dog's opposition. She's becoming annoyingly controlling in her old age.

Well, it's 9 pm on a long weekend Sunday. Better hie me to bed.

I think it's fair to say that I'm generally quite fearless and capable and I can do all things I set my mind to, through Christ who strengthens me but otherwise on my own. Nonetheless, I sing MUCH better when I have my voice teacher for emotional support. So I do have an Achile's heel after all.

Also, if I do say so, it's pretty cool that I can now sing B5 AND wheeze from asthma at the same time. Cause I think most people can't sing a B5 on a good day, let alone on a moderate asthma day.

Secrets of not getting fat: eat, or don't eat. Don't eat when you're doing something else. Like, say, working. Or watching TV. Eat when it's meal time, not the other 22 hours a day.

I manage to avoid Eavestrough Woman at church, so she texts me after church. To invite me to Thanksgiving dinner, right? Or... to ask me to come help her with fall cleaning?

Diana: Why can't you just say no?

Me: I DID say no. I said I have other plans. Which I do, actually. I'm having dinner with friends from church who call me when... they don't need one damn thing from me. BOOYA!

Diana: So why does she think you are so happy to help her clean her yard??

Me: Initially I had agreed to mow her lawn for the summer in exchange for some help preparing for my audition. I'm not sure when "mowing the lawn" was extended to cleaning eavestroughs, filling her coffee cup, and actually being introduced to someone as her "valet". (That actually happened. For real.)

Megan: Anyone who calls you their "valet" is not your friend. And probably not someone worth spending time with in other contexts, either.

Me: I took it as a joke but I'm starting to think I was wrong. And she's the musical director at my church so not easy to avoid.

Bus driver talking on the phone while driving. DAFUQ?????

Caroline: "Winnipeg". (non ?)

Me: Bin faut croire. Chuis assez déçue, là.

So, my boss did not get disciplined for his really huge safety violation. Yet. I was considering whether to let it slide until... he came unglued on me for doing EXACTLY WHAT HE HAD TOLD ME TO DO and said I'll be doing garbage for a week (as if I care - work is work is work). So I wrote it up and gave it to the manager who hates him the most. Hehehehehehe... The only sad thing is that four friends of mine had to be named as having participated in the offence, but since the management keep telling us to do what he says, I'm hoping the four guys can Nuremberg their way out of it.

My brain feels like a sardine packed in too much oil.

Arrive at ballet class; realize I skipped the pill that affects my balance and proprioception. Uh-oh.

Mardrey: Oh! Too bad.

Me: It went ok. Apparently my proprioception can't actually get any worse than it usually is. My timing was totally off, but you can't have it all...

My boss commits a really huge safety violation for the second time in four shifts. Is this the day he finally receives a consequence? Find out in the next episode of "Elise Goes to Work".

From my Twitter feed: "On this day in 1967, revolutionary leader Che Guevara was executed by the Bolivian army."

The best thing about my boss is coming home and telling my roommate all the latest "dumb crap my boss does" anecdotes.

What's the word for when you stop caring about someone's problems because they whine so much? Because that's one thing I'm pretty sure I do faster than just about anyone.

Still waiting for a thank-you text from the entitled woman after I did her freaking eavestroughs. Fuck that, next time she wants anything I'll give her a quote, not a hand.

Craig: Wait, you actually did it?

Megan: Craig beat me to it. I didn't think you actually did it.

Me: Well, she said water was coming through her ceiling last time it rained, and she's obviously in no condition to climb a ladder, so I thought it would be Christian to help her. There is a very fine line between being Christian and totally getting taken advantage of.

A unicyclist speeds past me. Winnipeg.

My work lunches for this week consist each of 1 cup buckwheat, 2 poached eggs, and 100 g of tomato, cucumber and goat cheese salad. Cost per day: $2.26. So much for the "poor people can't afford healthy food" thing.

Any other rich people want their eavestrough done for free? I still have some free time befose work that I'd just be wasting.

I'd have a lot more feminist friends if they supported some kind of "empowerment" (even though I hate the word) rather than a constant victim attitude.

After a bit of research I made a habitat for my spider where he seemed to feel tolerably comfortable and at home. Immediately after the blessing, however, he started scratching and grooming himself obsessively, which I hadn't observed before. Conclusion: spiders are allergic to blessings.

I'm in the sanctuary, studying moneychanging. I wonder if the Lord is gonna overturn my table.

Look, roommate. You've been lying in bed for three weeks. You're neither feverish nor vomiting. If you were three years old you'd be well enough to go to daycare. So I'm not gonna tell you to shut up, get up, and go get a job, but if you think my patience and charity extend to sympathizing with your malingering you're very much mistaken. (What the fuck is the point of malingering when you're unemployed anyway?)

Oh wait, even better: Alexander Keith's birthday! Now THAT is important.

My Pakistani informers inform me that it's also Imran Khan's birthday. Here's to not falling off forklifts in the next year!

Hé, c'est l'anniversaire de Vaclav Havel!

Text from a "friend": "can you come mow my lawn, rake the leaves, clean the eavestroughs and hose them down?"

No.

And that's why I don't make friends.

Time for work. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

In the news: "Selkirk man killed after ATV collides with hay bale". Cause it's hard to dodge those damn lightning-fast hay bales, you know.

From my Twitter feed: "Feelings are just your body's way of telling you that you should have been born a robot."

I'm pretty sure I'm getting major shit from my boss when I show up to work tonight. Pis j'm'en câlisse en maudit.

Giant bottle of antihistamine: $17. Washing all my bedding, twice: $10. Febreeze allergen-control spray: $7. Nasal rhinitis spray: free sample from my doctor. Suddenly remembering that I'm very allergic to the antelope hide that's been on my bed for the last six weeks: priceless.

The most annoying part of unemployed roommates is they're always home and usually asleep, so you can't practice your singing.

The downside of sleep is waking up.

Funny how 12 C in your bedroom feels so much warmer when you're paying the heat than when the landlord is.

My church is having a "Blessing of the Animals" service this Sunday. I don't particularly care for all this running around blessing random things, as it smacks of papist superstition, so I wasn't gonna go. But then our pastor has been going on and on about how he wants to bless something "exotic", so I trapped a spider I found in my house, and I figured I'd bring that for him to bless. Sadly, the spider seems exceedingly displeased with life in captivity. And since male grass spiders die typically after mating and female grass spiders at the first frost, I might be depriving him of his last few days of hoping to get laid. Besides, being a wild animal, he's already closer to the Lord than any of us, so what does he need a blessing for?

All this to say, I wonder if it's more Christian to let the spider go so he can go forth and multiply, or to keep him as a favour to my pastor, THEN let him go forth and multiply.

Goodbye, Giant ILL Book. I'll see you again some day, I'm afraid.

Sometimes I wish I was surrounded by people who've known me for ten years. Then I remember I WAS surrounded by people who'd known me for ten years and they had no use for me until they needed a favour.

Thank God I have a dog.