True story: I went to use a computer at work and the previous person had left a Google search open. The question was: "convert cubic inches to square inches."

And...

Since we associates don't have access to Google on our accounts, that means it was a manager.

Pro Desk manager, apart: Argh! She's SO STUPID!

I glance at what she's doing and see she has a list of instructions from the new ASM (who's been here for weeks and no one even knows her name cause she can't be bothered to speak to people).

Me: You know what else, too? The new guy makes me really, really tired.

Pro Desk manager: Really? What does he do? I mean, other than NOTHING.

Me: That's pretty much it.

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We're just all brimming with respect for each other, in accordance with company policy.

Friday night at work: 100% attendance. Rest of the week: 65% attendance. True story.

Look, Winnipeg. It's one thing to pretend you have cold weather. Maybe you think it makes you look badass when you complain about -26 C. But really, the mosquitoes? What do you gain by lying about the mosquitoes? You don't have mosquitoes, Winnipeg. You don't even know what a mosquito is. Your mosquitoes are like your winters, wimpy and harmless. Shut up or I'll give you something real to cry about.

My day suddenly got much more exciting when I found 400 eentsy weentsy explosive charges spilled in one of my skids of freight.

In other news, the only decent manager at my store is quitting. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!!!!! Woe is me. When I found out the rude guy on my team was looking at me and he was like "you look like you're in shock." And I was. One theory is that he got a public ass-chewing from one of the others and had enough of it. Another theory is that he was in way over his head. (I don't see what that has to do with anything, ALL our managers are in way over their heads.) I talked to him briefly as he was ending his shift and his theory is that he got a more interesting offer with better hours somewhere else.

Boohoohoo I'm so sad.

Later that day, I discovered that a headache doesn't have to be EITHER dehydration OR caffeine withdrawal. Ai crie.

Sometimes you can't really tell the difference between a dehydration headache and caffeine withdrawal headache.

"There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it." - Dale Carnegie (really?)

I woke up and found that the dog had climbed on the bed all by herself and made herself comfortable in the spot she used to pick years ago when we had a double bed and she was well enough to jump up and down. I miss those days.

Karen: Awwww. Glad she was able to do it last night

Me: I put my mattress on the floor since we moved into the apartment, that way she can climb down without hurting herself (even though she still falls) and she can climb up, but she had only done it so far when she's agitated. It's the first time that she just climbed up quietly and made herself comfortable.

Karen: Ah, great! She must have felt relatively well last night then

Me: I hope so. She was really poorly on the weekend.

You know you're cheap when you walk into a thrift store you haven't been before and you're shocked to see pants priced as high as $10.

Karen: Agree, that is way too expensive!

Édith: I agree too!

Me: Oh, so it's not just me? I expect to pay about $2 for pants. $5 if they're designer pants like my Ralph Lauren jeans.

Love is when the dog wants to sleep in your bed because she has diarrhea and feels miserable... and you actually let her.

I wonder if anyone is keeping a catalog of all known archaeological sites. Cause that would be remarkably handy.

Am I the only one who looks in the closet Sunday morning and thinks "dang, I got nothing in liturgical colour"?

Catholic friend: Yes.

Anglican friend: The only people I know who come close would not think "dang", they would want to know what had happened to their stuff in the right colour.

Me: Well all my green shirts are dirty.

For you shall go out in joy, and be led back in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall burst into song, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:10-11)

Budgeted hours for our department this week: 500.

Hours we actually scheduled: 593.

Hours people actually showed up for: about 520, I think.

Number of trailers we should have done: 56, give or take.

Number of trailers we actually did... I don't think we even count anymore. I'm not sure we're even averaging one a night. I wonder at what point someone will think there is something wrong with this.

This morning when the day shift came in, the Hardware guy to whom I hand off said "wow, you look tired. I mean, you don't usually look THIS tired." Which is passing odd considering that this may have been the least work I've ever done in a week at Home Depot.

The bus full of annoying people took a wrong turn. Now all the annoying people are stuck on the bus together. Ew.

The Friday night bus is always full of creepy annoying people who aren't there during the week.

There. I created an Urdu verb tense matrix. Would it really have been too much to ask for my grammar book to have one?

One of the present tenses is a past and one is a future. Ai crie evry tiem.

Wow. Our store is 116th out of 180 for safety claims. Hard to imagine what the other 64 are doing even worse than us.

Under "participle" in the index we have: perfective, imperfective, conjunctive and Arabic. Great googly-moogly.

Urdu is so opposite English that instead of "X because Y" it says "because Y, X". It's like you have to forget everything you thought you knew about sentences.

My boss's boss, shouting across the floor during the weekly scan: OUR PACKDOWN NUMBERS AREN'T LOOKING GOOD!!

Hardware DS: What?

Boss's boss: 108. (Ed.: the lower, the better. Target is 150.)

Hardware DS: So... that's good?

Boss's boss: NO!!!! THEY'LL TAKE ONE LOOK AT IT AND KNOW WE'RE SCREWING WITH IT! FIND MORE!

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Hmmmmm.... What exactly makes you think they WON'T know?

"These pretzels are making me thirsty."

Adam: These pretzels are making me THIRSTY!!!!!

Me: These pretzels.......... ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY!!!!

I'm cold outside the bus. I get on the bus. I open the bus window. I'm cold inside the bus. Scumbag Braaaaaaain!!!

Strange but true: I'm cold. Maybe I'm actually sick and not just tired.

This week I haven't heard any "just like a little fox" comments. Or husky comments, or even Doge comments. Instead people look at my dog and say "is she ok?"

Something tells me that's not entirely a good sign.

Nothing shuts up a chatty Muslim like Iftar.

After seven weeks in this building, I can make no sense whatsoever of the patterns of traffic. Why, exactly, does everyone here stay out till after midnight on Sunday, but stay home on Saturday??

"and he connected the bones with dexterity. The second prepared the flesh, blood and hide. The third stepped forward in order to put life in the tiger. The illiterate one stopped him and said, 'O fool, this is a tiger.'"

Um.... Why is this in my Urdu grammar book?

You know your dog is looking rough when random people on the street ask if she's ok.

4th Sunday after Pentecost. I was reading again today due to the dearth of readers in summer. And, admittedly, because I'm popular as a reader. So, today I was reading, from Zechariah, "Rejoice greatly O daughter of Jerusalem", and from Romans, one of Paul's more left-handed flights of convoluted logic. I thought Zechariah would be easy because I can read it the way I would sing it, but Paul is, well, Paul. Frankly while practicing I was tempted to go off into a Holy Handgrenade of Antioch moment. Then I did the readings and... I got compliments on Paul, not on Zechariah. And then my pastor said to me "thank you for being so respectful of the readings and preparing so well!" Um... Right... "Respectful." Exactly the very word to describe my reading of Paul.

Everyone is all "France v. Germany". Wow, I didn't think they even played cricket.

Little known fact: today at The Home Depot, we have Dewalt 18 V NiCad drills priced at... $27.96. Yes, that's right. Three of us checked and they are, indeed, priced at $27.96. Yes, it's an older, heavier style, not the latest trend. But it's a Dewalt drill. For $27.96. I'm not saying YOUR local Home Depot has it, but mine does. So if you need a drill, do a harried freight associate somewhere a favour and go pick up a top brand for $27.96. Kthxbai.

A non-boss night! MashaAllah!

My hobby on the bus: try to guess what languages I'm hearing without looking at the speaker. It's harder than it sounds.

Tips for ecumenical rapprochement: you can end just about any theological debate peacefully by saying "Allah knows best."

Me, listening to Tariq recite in Arabic. When suddenly... The Brain translated three words in a row.

Me: Brain, I'd like to remind you that you don't know Arabic.

The Brain: I am a trafficker of information. I know everything I can. The question is, do YOU know.

Me: Brain, be quiet.

The Brain: Can we get an Arabic podcast for work?

Me: No.

The Brain: Why not?

Me: Because I said.

The Brain: Nazi.

Paying rent on time without a fight. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Guy having words with his baby mama: "you made me look dumb in front of my PO!" Hmmmm... it's funny, but almost poignant too.

A teacher in California has a one in 125,000 chance each year of being sacked for incompetence. They envy Home Depot managers.

Come, let us sing to the Lord;
let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
For the Lord is a great God,
and a great King above all gods.
In his hand are the depths of the earth;
the heights of the mountains are his also.
The sea is his, for he made it,
and the dry land, which his hands have formed.
Come, let us worship and bow down,
let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!
For he is our God,
and we are the people of his pasture,
and the sheep of his hand.
O that today you would listen to his voice!

I've never understood why people celebrate the anniversary of Confederation by behaving like animals.

"Prayer is better than sleep." Said no Christian ever at 3:37.

Today at work... I'm not sure we're even doing any work, actually. Freight wasn't really mentioned. I have none. The whatever-Balkan-country dude in Paints is working a 5000-lb skid by moving four paint cans at a time in a shopping cart. I haven't even seen the machines around the floor.

Maybe everybody realised we're so fucked we might as well not bother.