In my dreams:

1) Met a handsome dude and he was nice. Then my friend turned up in my dream and he went out with her.
2) Got lost driving fuel, tried to u-turn, my pup hit the ditch and caught on fire.
3) Couldn't get another fuel job, went back to Home Depot.

Thank God I live my real life and not my "dream life."

When I say "I have two days off" I don't mean "I have two days to serve you." True story.

I think the hours I just spent dreaming about work should be applied against my shift.

Sometimes even I feel defeated by the world's douchebaggery.

I wonder how many people will never learn science just because they don't want to become an annoying pompous ass like Neil deGrasse Tyson.

That scary moment when The Economist comes early and you have to read like mad to get caught up.

I was sleeping peacefully through the nightmares when the texts started again. Fuuuuuh...

Brain: "where did I put that $20 I put in my backpack?" It's a wonder I function so well when my brain is such an idiot.

The cat hasn't attacked me since I nearly strangled him. Sometimes "evil must be fought by a different kind of evil."

Srsly, I don't even make $25,000, why does everyone around me figure I should subsidize them? Fucking cunts.

Allen: LMAO!! I love your way with words!

Me: I'm the Shakespeare of coarse language.

Almost zero annoying comments and for once everyone is sharing funny stuff I can relate to. Faith in Facebook: slightly restored.

I wonder what chewed up my hair dryer cord. Doesn't seem like something the cat or the ticks would do.

Dear work: can I have a second weekend please? I didn't have time to get my 30 hours of sleep in.

I thought I saw a man walking an armadillo, but when I went to look at it, it was just a grossly obese dog. Sigh. Everybody lets me down.

Fnord rides again! Booya! I appreciate the car that the Lord provided, but in my Fnord I feel like the road is mah bitch.

I just got pwned at thumb-wrestling by the dumbest guy on the team. Can my day get any worse?

Seven minutes till work. Lord, give me patience with my boss. Or something.

Boss: Can you come look at this quarter pallet?

I interrupt what I'm doing for the millionth time and go look.

Quarter pallet (in huge letters on every side): Hold for MET special project, paint train, August.

Me: It's for MET.

Boss: Well, can you look at it?

Me: I'm looking at it right now and it's for MET.

Boss: Half the time we give it to MET they say it's not their problem.

Me: I don't really care what they say. This says MET, therefore it's MET.

Boss: Just look at it.

Me: I AM looking at it and it's for MET.

Boss: Well just see what it is.

Me (walking away): It's. For. MET.


Must... Control... Fist... of... Death...

I was dreaming in German. No wonder I wake up tired.

My dog has a method for opening bags of pig strips. That makes one person in my life who has a method for anything. I <3 u, puppy.

In conclusion, Indigo may be a lot of things to a lot of people, but for a bookstore it sure doesn't have a lot of books.

Toy horse has anatomically correct genitals, incorrect eyes.

"Fifty shades of grey party game"? I don't wanna know.

8" globe in bookstore has Hay River on it. Dafuq?????

$40 of dog treats. No wonder I'm always broke.

Even my boss is constantly trying to make me pay attention to him. Codependent people are like cats, they instinctively gravitate to the people who hate them.

We need better defined words to describe current geopolitical reality.

o/~ You can speak your mind but not on my dime. o/~

I don't spend my time trying to aggravate you on Facebook. Kindly return the favour.

Someone left the cake out in the rain...

Several excellent reasons I like Imran Khan better than the guys who hit on me.

1. Imran Khan does not have an opinion of me. Or at least he's smart enough not to share it.

2. Imran Khan does not try to impress me.

3. Imran Khan does not call or text me 17 times a day just to get attention.

4. Imran Khan NEVER tries to borrow my Economist.

5. Imran Khan does not ask me questions.

6. Imran Khan does not talk my ear off.

The perfect relationship.

Actual conversation I've had with several unrelated people.

People, severally: Can I have your Economist after you're done with it?

Me: No. I save them. You can borrow it from the library though.

People: Nah, don't wanna do that.


So... you don't want the knowledge that's in The Economist, you just wanted to make me pay attention to you. Slag off.

Your opinion of me is irrelevant and almost certainly incorrect. And I'm really not sure why you even HAVE an opinion of me. I certainly have no time to waste having opinions about you.

Also I can has third Homer award. And every third one comes with a token cash prize. Hmmmmm... Urdu grammar?

I can has... full-time job. Great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

Just ordered the most essential part of my soccer gear. Probably some cleats would be good too.

The cheapest Urdu grammar book I can find at the moment costs $41. Srsly? I'd much rather have $41 than speak Urdu grammatically.

If you actually cared about the environment you'd get off Facebook, shut off your computer, go around the house turning everything else off, and go outside plant some trees or something. Instead of posting memes that burns fossil fuels to view on a server that burns fossil fuels to run. DUH!

I'm so tired.

That scary moment when you finish one Economist and there is no way to know how long you'll have to wait for the next one.

Most people know better than to pick a fight with me. Usually that's a good thing... except on days when I feel like picking a fight.

I hope at least the new house won't have any wood lice. Winnipeg seems to be wood louse paradise.

Come to think of it, I'm holding a live tick captive. Maybe I should put the tick on the cat and see if their evils cancel each other out.

First blood goes to the cat. Catch you on the rebound, you vicious creature.

When you consider how horrid Michael Jackson's early work was, you can't but think Justin Bieber has a great future.

One of the songs on our endless repeat of contracted crap muzak at work has the following lyrics:

'If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight in the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for write to me and escape'

Yeah, cause who needs Proverbs 31 when you can have a woman who likes booze and fornicates anytime, anywhere? What are you gonna say for her eulogy? "She was a demon in the sack especially when drunk"? Oh, wait, I forget, you won't be together by the time she dies.

All things considered, I think men are paying me a huge compliment by not dating me.

I arrive at work.

Assistant Store Manager: So, what are you going to work on tonight?


???? Boss, I've been here three months, I'm an $11 an hour grunt, I'm gonna work on whatever I'm told. Thanks for asking. (That being said, there's a thunderstorm raging and I forgot to put the dog's nightlight on when I left the house. I wonder if "my dog needs a hug" is considered a valid reason to go home sick.)

Roommate keeps asking for specifics of how to cook dog food. Dafuq? It's DOG FOOD. Just don't put strychnine in it, that's all.

Here's something funny: Muhammad Morsi's approval rating was higher than Francois Hollande's. Hmmmmm...

Supervisor: Can you take about half an hour and check this bay for discrepancies?

Me: You want the whole bay counted???

Supervisor: No just flag the discrepancies so Herb can look at them.

Me: Yeah, same thing. I'll have to count the whole bay.

Supervisor: Ok, well, just take about half an hour.

Me: It's got at least sixty items. That's gonna take WAY more than half an hour.

Supervisor: So how long?

Me: Depends how messy it is.


So, it took seven hours.

Let me think. You don't know how to operate any lift machine. You don't know how to print a price tag. You don't know how to generate an item count, much less why. You don't understand the difference between a Physical Inventory Document (PID) and a Purchase Order (PO), why different people handle them and why a PID does not result in inventory coming into our warehouse. You don't know that the computer system reboots Saturdays at 23:00 local nor can it be communicated to you that this prevents us from using the computer for some time.

Someone please explain to me why this guy is my boss.

Seriously, if I wanted to listen to people talk about themselves, don't you think I'd have been a psychiatrist? I work with boxes. That should be a clue to you how much personal interaction fascinates me.

You know what would be funny? If they named William's baby a good proletarian name like Hayden or D'vontrae.

Three hours till work. Stay up or go back to sleep? Hmmmm...

Must... stay... awake... one hour... do laundry... zzzzzzz...

The difference between your problems and my problems is that your problems are your problems and my problems are my problems.

The fastest way to not get an answer from me is to message me repeatedly with increasing hysteria.

My job has many benefits. Soft toilet paper isn't one of them.

So Detroit is bankrupt. I wasn't expecting it, at least not so soon. Good luck, Detroit.

The reach truck. At first it's way harder than it looks. Then it's actually easier than it looks. Probably later on it will be way harder than it looks again. Nothing is at it looks in this strange place.

Supervisor 1, at toolbox meeting: You're doing plumbing. And here is a list of negatives (his supervisor) wants you to look at.

I go count negatives.

My supervisors' supervisor: At midnight, go find Supervisor 2 and he'll train you and New Guy on the reach truck.

Me: Ok.

Supervisors' supervisor goes off duty. Midnight. I find Supervisor 1 and Supervisor 2 having a conversation.

Supervisor 1: Are you done those counts?

Me: No, I have to meet Supervisor 2 at midnight.

Supervisor 2: Yeah: no. I'm busy.

Me: Well, (his supervisor) said to see you. So I'm seeing you.

Supervisor 2: No.

I go back to doing counts. Later.

Supervisor 1: Are you almost done?

Me: No.

Supervisor 1: That's not the list I gave you.

Me: No, it's a Physical Inventory Document of the list you gave me.

Supervisor 1: Are you gonna be done by 12:30?

Me: Probably not.

Supervisor 1: Well you have to start doing freight.

Me: Yeah? Tell (his supervisor). I'm not the one scheduled these counts.

Supervisor 1: Yeah, well, you can have a little bit of time, but you have to do freight.

Me: Yeah? (I walk away.)


So how does this work, neither of you has to do what your supervisor says, but you think I'm gonna do what YOU say? Good luck with that. And way to lead by example. And yes, there is a very good chance I'd have been done the counts by 12:30 if I felt like it... What can I say, shitty leadership demotivates me.

I requested a book on marijuana through ILL and it came from the Legislative Library of Manitoba. That's a bit creepy.

Me, trying to read: te... be... tab... D... tabdeeli. It means "change".

Ustaad (accusingly): Did you learn that from Imran Khan?

Yeah. Cause I actually follow him for his politics, not his good looks. So HA.

My head and shoulders knees and toes hurt. Also wrists, hips and ankles.

Mardrey: ?

Me: I have no idea why either, Mardrey. But it can't be scurvy because I've been taking my vitamins.

Took 45 minutes to get up the energy to roll over a quarter turn so I could snooze the alarm clock. This is gonna be a looooong day.

Crud. I gotta get up beastly early today. :(

Bedtime! I've missed you so much!

Little known fact about debating: putting others' statements in scare quotes is not a form of rebuttal.

Dear university students: you're not too good for this lame job. You're not even good enough for it. Your pathetic arrogant lazy-ass attitude impresses no one. Neither will your worthless degree when you graduate. Then you'll be back in a job no less dumb than this one and I'll be laughing at you. Still.

As much as I love being asked questions, I think being asked the same question fifty times is even better.

Dana: Did you give 50 different answers?

Me: I'm not sure I even know 50 meaningful monosyllables. Let alone polite ones.

All right, Brain. You've kept me awake for two nights. If you don't go to sleep now, don't expect any favours tonight at work.

Cash flow bottleneck + chronic pain + sacroiliac problem + F'ING ESTI DE SKUNK DE MARDE = I'm sleeping like a baby. NOT.

How long does it take for skunk smell to go away?

Oh great. There's a skunk under my window. >:(

Roommate calls my dog for half an hour, she doesn't even look at him. I say one word, she follows me. Some people just don't know jack about dogs.

If Harry Potter ends after Sixth Form does that mean wizard is a high-school-level job?

Keeping breakfast cereal in the fridge and chicken in the microwave: another counter-argument to the "I'm not a nutcase" theory.

When is the last time I read news other than The Economist? I feel out of touch.

(Slightly later.) I take that back. All the news are the same as always.

Me, opening my laptop to show my roommate something. Desktop background picture comes up.

Me: That's the guy I'm pretending to have a crush on.

Roommate: Wow. He's kind of handsome.

Me: That's EXACTLY what I said.

Roommate: Yeah. Wow. He IS a good looking man for sure.

Me: Single, too.

Roommate: Wow. Good choice!


So there. It's not just me. :)

The City of Winnipeg actually covers its concrete while it cures. What an amazing place.

Damnit, I was sleeping so comfortably until the nightmares started again. >8(

Little known fact about dogs: they speak no English whatsoever. True story.

For my dear friends who think some shadowy arm of the government is watching them: your Facebook feed is a summary of the most exciting moments in your life and it bores even your dear friends to tears. There is simply NO WAY the government takes any interest whatsoever in your life. Scratch that distorted cognition and move on.

So I slept 12 hours, minus a short interlude to walk the dog. And while I was so occupied, Facebook went and made some new, ugly, unnecessary and probably functionally limiting changes. I just can't keep an eye on everything all the time...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I broke my coffee cup!!!!!!! Wooooooooooooooooooooeeeeeeeee! Boohoohoohoohoo... Now I can't carry any coffee with me. This is too horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoa, look at the time! Better get back to looking for negative inventories.

I discovered that I live right next to Vic Toews' riding. Disgusting!!!! Then he quit politics. Probably cause he saw I moved next to his riding and he got scared.

At first I thought that everyone would grasp the obvious fact that I'm just joking about Imran Khan. Then I was annoyed that several people did NOT in fact grasp that obvious fact. Now that The Brain forgot it's a joke and actually thinks I have a crush on Imran Khan, it's getting unsettling.

I got my health plan card in the mail. First time I've had benefits since June 2002.

I don't care how beautiful you think you are, if you're too fat to breathe, that's your body's way of telling you you're too fat.

In case anyone else is planning to ask to borrow my Economist, let me just say one thing: I'd sooner lend you a kidney than let you touch it with your filthy paws. It's my Precious. MINE. You wouldn't even enjoy it on as many levels as I do anyway.

I get on the bus and the upholstery is orange instead of blue. Like I stepped through a portal or something.

"The world has grown accustomed to drone strikes." Fuck you, Economist. Fuck. You.

Finally caught The Economist using the word "populace" out loud instead of implying it.

Apparently, my project for this week is to count all the negative inventory in the place. Errrrrrr... Say what now?

"It has been suggested that Atenism lies at the roots of Christianity, when in fact it does nothing more than reflect the common ground of Semitic civilizations." Right... Except "the common ground of Semitic civilizations" is what "lies at the roots of Christianity" so what is that supposed to mean? Then he continues: "the results suggests a universalist tone which has all the trappings of monotheism." I'd like to know what exactly are "the trappings of monotheism." ALL of them. I wouldn't want to leave out a trapping of monotheism.

Books on Egypt: 3 down, 1 on my nightstand. I hope that's about it for Egypt. I want to read about Sogdians.

When I go to Pakistan I'm gonna steal the secret of how to sprout apricots.

Covering for a different coworker, shift 1 of 5, first coffee break. Everything is thoroughly haywire, I have no idea what's going on, and the computer won't accept my results. Also, more lumber. Boohoohoohoohoo... I want to go home.

The best way to win an argument when you're having a screaming meltdown over losing your keys last night while you were high and your un-taken antipsychotic prescription is lying in plain sight on the table is probably not "I'm not a nutcase!" Ok, so you're not a nutcase. You're a schizophrenic drug addict who chooses not to be treated. That better for ya?

I'm told my Urdu handwriting is "almost sexy". Cool. In any other language my handwriting is fucking revolting.

One thing I have in common with Mao Zedong: sleeping with books all over my bed.

Politics guessing game! "Instead of offering compromise, (he) abused his electoral legitimacy to enact a host of controversial laws and appointments." This quote refers to:

a) Viktor Orban
b) Muhammad Morsi
c) Asif Ali Zardari
d) Stephen Harper
e) Recep Tayyip Erdogan
f) Nicolas Sarkozy
g) Hugo Chavez
h) all of the above?

(Sadly, nobody played my game. Poop.)

I suppose having a king named Arses is less funny in Persian than in English.

Wait... Why is it detecting my iPod now? I tried 20 times before. Also the ports are visibly damaged.

Deirdre: You threatened it with replacement or soldering.

Me: I like the way you think.

Then again it can detect my printer and external hard drive on both ports... So why not my iPod and camera?

Options: a) buy new laptop + MS Office for $540 on Staples card; or b) some guy thinks he might be able to solder the USB ports to the motherboard for cheap.

Everything is pissing me off.

If I'm not mistaken, the USB ports on my laptop are broken. Aaaaauuuuuugh! Anyway, I'm going to bed.

The question about Iran is not about Iran: it's why Agitprop wants you to hate Iran.

Mere Economist pe makri hay.

My bedroom smells like welding. Ah, the memories...

Covering for a vacationing coworker, shift 7 of 9: I am "only" a day or two behind in the guy's work, which is honourable under the circumstances. And since I'm not handling freight, I decided I didn't need to wear long sleeves to work today. But today, the coworker whose job I'm doing next week decided to train me. First step: go count some lumber. Still wearing short sleeves. Naturally, I got into an unidentified lumber-related allergen. Still wearing short sleeves. So it got not just on my hands, but all over my arms. And then I touched my face, too. Aaaaaaaaaaaaugh!!!!! Allergen everywhere!!!!! Woe is me!

After that the counting job went a bit downhill. Or a lot.

Suddenly I wonder how my life would have been different if the first movie I ever saw had been Grease instead of Sleeping Beauty.

Naophorous.

There is no mention of Iran or Pakistan in this week's Economist. Probably a good thing.

Maybe I wouldn't have to cook dog food so often if I fed it to the dog instead of eating it myself. If only there was a way to test this theory.

Hello, Economist. What douchebaggery do you have in store today?

Coworker 1 puts lunch in microwave. Microwave makes unusual sound. We all look at it.

Coworker 2: do you have metal in there?

Coworker 1: no, foil.

Microwave: (large flash of light)


That's some serious stupid.

Two hours until work: too long to stay awake, too short to have a nap. Sigh.

Everyone who told me Winnipeg is cold, you've obviously never been. Winnipeg is beastly hot.

I love how the Canadian military goes for leisurely morning strolls wearing green camo and reflectorized traffic vests.

Good Roommate and I went downtown in my borrowed car for street food and fireworks. Thanks for all the love, Winnipeg.

This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad, alleluia!

You know you have horrid nutrition when you think "strange, I shouldn't have scurvy already, I had vitamin C just two months ago."