In order to sing like a BOSS, you have to raise the top half of your face, which requires tension, and drop the bottom half, which requires relaxation. This is hard to do and makes you look like an idiot, but it does make you sing like a BOSS. So that's what I'm working on in voice lessons. Today my voice teacher was telling me to visualize having a basketball in the back of my throat. WTF???? I'm pretty sure if I had a basketball in my throat I'd be heimliching myself, not trying to sing bel canto. So I told her what *I* visualize: that moment in The Grudge when a minor character has had her lower jaw ripped off and is walking around with a rather tense expression in the top half of her face and her tongue hanging down to her collarbones, for lack of a jaw to hold it up.

Brilliant, right?

Ha. Apparently, my voice teacher does not believe in visualizing horror movies while singing romantic arie. Oh yeah???? Well let me tell you something, missy. The ONLY WAY I'm ever gonna sing this maudlin Italian love song crap "with feeling" is by visualizing horror movies.

Seriously, I've actually had to decline one of her picks because it was just too horrible, even for a love song. Once she understands that I only do a) sacred and b) cynical, we'll get on just fine.

Dana: Your poor voice teacher.

Me: It's ok. I'm pretty sure she's too young to have seen The Grudge.

Dana: I'm pretty sure that I'm too 'something(?)' to have seen The Grudge so she and I are good without that visualization, thankyouverymuch. She so didn't know what she was getting into when she agreed to take you on, did she?

Me: No. No, she did not.