Her Majesty's health bulletin.

Her Majesty seems fine, more's the pity. She can eat, she can walk for miles, she can talk. And she's a fucking nuisance. For the last three weeks or so she's simply refusing to piss outside. No, it's not that she can't wait. She just won't. She's pissed in the house minutes after coming back from a long walk. No matter how many times a day I mop, I can't even find everywhere she's pissed. The smell in the house is revolting. And naturally she's always right where you're trying to clean.

Also she won't eat Iams anymore. While we were at our friends' house and the week following I fed her only Iams kitten kibble and she ate it. Massive amounts of it, in fact. As soon as I started cooking again, she refused to eat the kibble. She can, but she won't. And I'm not going to waste my time and money feeding her all cooked food when she's perfectly able to eat Iams. But she refuses to eat Iams so she'll let herself starve. When her stomach is empty too long it causes her to throw up stomach acid. But she can't throw up with her throat obstructed, so it makes a really traumatic sound, and because her balance is poor, when her stomach fights to throw up it makes her fall. You'd think a foot-tall dog can only fall so hard but actually she has a way of falling REALLY hard.

Also she steps in her dish. No matter where or in what bowl I put the kibble, she steps in it and spills it everywhere. You can't walk anywhere in the house without stepping in kibble. And it costs money. Likewise she spills her water dish constantly. It looks like she's falling by accident or something, so I move her away from the dish, clean up, refill it, and she comes right back, does the exact same thing and spills it again. And you might think it's accidental except she does not EVER step in her porridge dish. Ever.

Oh yeah, did I mention she drinks obsessively? She always did, but she used to piss outside so it didn't matter. But I can't even ration her water much because she'll drink everything as soon as I leave for work, piss everything, and be dehydrated by morning.

Also she bites.

Also if I try to walk her outside she drags her feet, but she paces around the house non-stop. And of course not in the nice wide-open space where it would be merely annoying, but in all the narrow spaces where it's a real fucking pain. Like spilling her dishes over and over and over. Or getting stuck under the piano. No fucking reason to be under the piano but she's there eight times a day. If I pull her out, she goes right back.

And just to be an unredeemable bitch on all counts, she refuses to sit in her kennel so I can have some fucking peace. After a couple minutes she starts screaming like an angry cat. Not barking or whining like a dog, but literally screaming like an angry cat. She's doing it right now.

I'm pretty sure at one time I couldn't bear the thought of her dying. Now I'd give my left arm for her to just fucking die, and she's nowhere near death and not getting any nearer. Because she just HAS to be an ignorant ornery fucking animal right to the end.

I should move to Argentina and leave her here.