I may have mentioned that I don't live in the "good" areas of Winnipeg. Because I don't have that kind of money, and the run-down parts have way better bus service. Plus you can say what you will about Winnipeg being "rough", but so far the bad parts of Winnipeg are still more civilised than the Highrise.
Ok, so this afternoon, as I'm spending a quiet Saturday afternoon doing nothing, Downstairs Roommate's father comes to pick her up. Initially he didn't seem to like me very much because... something about my dog. But now that I don't like the Upstairs Roommates and I think the landlady is doing a lousy job, he likes me. Great minds, all that. Anyway so he says to me "is that your van out back?" and I says yes and he says "somebody egged it. It's all over your windshield."
What????? But why?? Oh, wait. We're not in Hay River anymore. In Hay River, people vandalise your car because it's your car and they hate you. In Winnipeg, people vandalise your car because it's there. It's not personal. Phew! I feel better. "Egg comes off", I said, and I went about my day.
Later that day, though, I started thinking that the responsible thing to do would be to wash off the egg promptly. And I haven't used the car since... I don't even remember, so who knows how long that egg might have been sitting there hardening?
So... What's the best way to get hardened egg off my car? He said it's on the windshield, so if all else fails, I can use a razor blade, but why do it the hard way if I can think my way out of it? Ok. So, Google, tell me how to get egg off?
Hmmmmmmm... Initially, Google was not encouraging. "Egg will never come off and it will eat all the paint on your car and then kill you in your sleep." Really? That sounds a bit harsh. So how do I get it off? A low concentration of... vinegar? What? No, that just doesn't sound right. Plus I don't have any vinegar, so no.
Here is the thing: I want to dissolve the egg. So I don't have to do any work. So I google "what dissolves egg?" Ah-HA! Much better. Now I get a guy telling me vinegar won't work because it's an acid (that's what I just said! except about the acid); what you need is a strong base. Such as his proprietary formula! Yay!
Ok, but here is the thing: I'm not gonna go out and buy stuff. Don't want to. I think I've made it very clear that I don't want to do any work about this. So you know what, I have TSP. That's pretty much the only cleaner I have, so I'm gonna be using TSP. End of story.
Google, Google on the wall, tell me if TSP is a strong base?
Google: HELLS' YEAH!
Ok, actually it was Wikipedia. According to Wikipedia, "the pH of a 1% solution is 12, and the solution is sufficiently alkaline to saponify grease and oils." Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! We're in business. So I read the back of the box and mix it according to the manufacturer's directions for what they call "ultra heavy duty". And then I had some soft rags, and naturally I own solvent-resistant gloves. Away I go, therefore, to de-egg my car.
Hmmmmm... Bad news: some of the egg is on the hood, and some on the roof. And you can't scratch the painted surfaces, obviously. Zut alors!
Oh well.
I dipped the soft rag into the TSP solution and dabbed at the rock-solid egg. And lo, immediately it began to dissolve! Well yeah, that was exactly the plan. Now some of the globs of egg were thicker than others, and the white is more resistant than the yoke, so a little elbow grease did get applied here and there, but to be honest the greatest challenge was simply reaching. The Fnord is not a small car and it's not that easy for me to reach the roof. Especially when I'm handling a caustic solution that I deliberately mixed strong enough to eat flesh. Plus it was very windy, and solvent-resistant gloves make your hands very, very cold, so I was getting in a hurry to get done. So I didn't entirely finish the windshield because it was too much trouble to reach and scrub. As long as I can see, I can drive, and I'll take the razor to it when it's nice out. I just poured the last of the solution on the windshield and use the wipers to spread it.
Now the one thing that was a little alarming was that it formed a foamy slime that coated everything and congealed as soon as I stopped wiping. Hmmmmmm... This does not bode well, I thought. But then I remembered, I mixed this solution "sufficiently alkaline to saponify grease." So you know what this foamy slime is? It's actually... soap suds. I kid you not! The TSP is saponising before my very eyes! My car is now covered no longer in egg, but in soap! That's insane.
So then I went to the carwash. The automatic wash, because I don't have any coins for the coin wash. Of course there's a line, and I'm sitting in the line looking at the stuff that I didn't get off the windshield thinking oh well, I'll get it later. But then when I got in the carwash and the water started, it... rinsed right off. Because of course all this time the TSP kept on eating at the egg, so by the time we got through the line, everything was dissolved. All the egg, and all the foamy slime, and everything simply washed away at the first application of water.
Hahaha that was AWESOME! Technically, getting your car egged is supposed to be terribly upsetting, cost you a fortune, and technically, it makes you a victim of a crime. No, really. Mischief against property. It's a summary, but still. And here I had a grand old time turning the egg into soap. Nice try, vandals. Next time, may I suggest egging Upstairs Roommates' car? Because they don't know how to get egg off and it will be a considerable nuisance to them, so it's much more worth your time. (That being said, I don't rule out the little bitch as perpetrator.)
So, the moral of all this is: SCIENCE WORKS, BITCHES!
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