Maybe since I'm not fasting I'll spend Ramadan making a list of all the times I'm doing something I couldn't do if I was fasting. Then I'll know what I'd be not-doing if I wasn't doing it.

1. coffee
2. water
3. food
4. venlafaxine
5. allergy meds
6. cocaine-free throat spray
7. more water for singing

And that's just in the last hour.

Me, talking about Ramadan with a Muslim friend: So if you're fasting for Ramadan and then you go to church, how would you have communion?

Him: What's communion?

Me: It's a commemoration of Jesus's (PBUH) last meal with his followers. We share bread and wine.

Him: The Prophet Jesus (PBUH) had wine? No offence but I don't believe that.

=====
Once again ecumenism stumbles on the details.

Me, the day before Ramadan: I wonder how hard it really is. I should try it sometime. When it falls in winter and not 17 hours of daylight a day.

Me, the first day of Ramadan, with a cup of coffee: LOL Thank God I'm a Lutheran.

Tous les souvenirs de naguère
O mes amis partis en guerre
Jaillissent vers le firmament
Et vos regards en l'eau dormant
Meurent mélancoliquement
Où sont-ils Braque et Max Jacob
Derain aux yeux gris comme l'aube
Où sont Raynal Billy Dalize
Dont les noms se mélancolisent
Comme des pas dans une église
Où est Cremnitz qui s'engagea
Peut-être sont-ils morts déjà
De souvenirs mon âme est pleine
Le jet d'eau pleure sur ma peine
Ceux qui sont partis à la guerre au nord se battent maintenant
Jardins où saigne abondamment le laurier rose fleur guerrière
Le soir tombe ô sanglante mer

- Apollinaire

I'm not sure whether the cable company misunderstood our payment deal or I did, but somehow my interwebs is back on. I thought it was going to be off until July 11.

Mueed: Thankfully it isn't.

Me: Maybe they'll disconnect it again when they figure out the mistake.

Mueed: Why do u want to do this comrade?

Me: I'm not complaining. But I thought they had agreed to keep the physical cable connected until the 11th with no service provided I made a partial payment today, and then put the service back on when I pay the bill in full. But I made the partial payment and now the service is back.

Mueed: They just care for us (pakistanis), cuz so many ppl would be wanting to tlak to u when its morning there.

Me: LOL Yeah I'm sure my internet got reconnected as a special favour to the people of Pakistan. MashaAllah.

Me: I wonder if some cricket scheduled itself by mistake, too. That would be nice.

Mueed: Yeah thanks to ur cable boys. do convey my wishes to them. Yeah how would it sound if we are hsoting a series against Sri Lanka And India this month and that too in Karachi and Lahore

Me: Host one in Jacobabad. They'll never be able to play in your weather.

Mueed: hahaha i do not want em to die useless We do not have any International Standards Stadium here in Jacobabad. But had the opportunity to witness good games in Karachi.

Me: Make do. See how the ball bounces in the sand.

Mueed: hahaha. M pretty sure they wont be able to hit even sixes or fours. Just like Abu Dhabi's Cricket Stadium.

Me: Good. Tuk-tuk all the way.

Mueed: M sure u not pointing at Misbha. Aren't you ?

Me: Misbah rocks. If I got to play cricket I'd try to play exactly like him.

Mueed: Then I am pretty sure you would be captain of our Test Team. Well i personally acknowledge and admire Misbah a lot. He has really been an inspiration to so many people who cannot play game with ease and technique. (Editor: I totally missed that dig at Misbah the first time I read it. Mueed you snake!!)

Me: I couldn't be captain of your test team because your women's cricket team rocks.

Once you start to chat with the coworkers, you realize that even the ones you thought were ass-kissers have the same things to say about our boss.

I was lying in bed looking at the dog sleeping like a stone and I thought, when she dies I'm going to be one of those crazy people who hold on to the decaying corpse of a loved one for months because they can't cope with the loss. And then I thought, what if I already am? What if she's been dead for weeks already? How would you know the difference? And if the dog is dead then who's been pissing all over my floor????

Sometimes you tell yourself "at least God loves me" and you feel better. But then you remember that God also loves George W. Bush and you're like "I guess I'll just read Jeremiah then."

Having no interwebs at home is all fun and games until you have insomnia and no way to kill time unproductively.

Unless I'm very much mistaken, my boss and his boss are contriving to hide from me that they're cheating on the weekly scan (a key metric in their performance evaluation). With normal people it would be a form of compliment, but they did such a shit job of it it's almost an insult. You'd think they don't realize I'm smarter than them.

I met a Syrian Kurd on the street yesterday. She has been in Canada about a year and had questions about the cankerworms. Her English was limited so I drew pictures to explain it. And then she asked why the government doesn't do something about it.

Wait...

No, like, wait.

Let me get this straight.

You just came from three years of civil war in Syria, and you're aggravated that the government doesn't do enough about... cankerworms???

Wow. Our Canadian sense of entitlement catches on quickly, eh? Welcome to Canada, sister. You're gonna do just fine here.

I think The Home Depot should hire Misbah as our store manager. Only he can fix this clusterfuck, and I'm pretty sure we can beat what PCB pays him monthly.

Today at work... frankly I'm not sure we did any trailers, there was almost no garbage. But the important thing is, our boss told one guy to "shut up and do your work"... and there was a witness. Oh. Yeah.

I'm a bit looking forward to India v. England. It's not that unusual that you want both sides to lose, a lot more so when that seems like the most plausible result.

Tariq: hahahaha England will lose lol

Me: Either that or India. The only downside is one of the two will win.

My boss spent lunch discussing how to pay for his kids "when" they go to college. Don't worry dude, IF they get into college they're not your kids.

Lunch. Freight on the floor so far:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

None.

If our boss wasn't an ugly douchebag with no brain we'd be like the Bangladesh of warehousing.

Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

British friend: haha... ok. What's the difference between England and a tea bag?

Me: A tea bag lasts a heck of a lot longer in a cup.

British friend: Ouch... true.

Today the propaganda line is that we're "caught up on freight" from the weekend. Of course those of us who know how to read can see that we have freight due over a week ago that hasn't been allowed to come in, but, you know. You just can't argue with stupid. The plan for today is: 230 skids. That's approximately seven (7) trailers. HAHAHAHAHA as if. Initially I predicted we'd do one, but it's coffee and no freight has been brought to the floor so far. So I think one trailer is way too ambitious for today. Maybe between today and tomorrow we can unload one.

Today... the dog... pissed outside THREE times. And none inside as far as I can tell, in the last 12 hours. All you have to do is watch her every second and then you can tell when she wants out. (I lie. She actually tapped me on the shoulder while I slept. I mean literally tapped me on the shoulder with her evil little paw.) Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.

The dog's balance is so bad, she can actually fall while lying down. And I'm not even joking.

We've been in this apartment five weeks and the top layer of laminate is already starting to peel off in the dog's favourite spot. How much money is this whole thing going to cost me???? (On a positive note, if she finally picks a spot to go habitually instead of all over the apartment, it could actually be worth it to buy pads.)

Along the pavement
I step on the cankerworms
They scream as they die.

- Winnipeg spring haiku

Mueed: Do they make sound?

Me: I'm sure they have some way of communicating to each other when they're being crushed to death.

Mueed: EEEwwwwww... Only they would be cursing us m sure.

Me: Well then good thing I'm crushing them to death. No one likes a worm that curses.

Mueed: hahahahaha... one for me please.

Hehehe. I can see cricket scores from church.

Tariq: You should pay attention in prayer lol

Me: It wasn't during prayer. It was during the part called "children's message" which is boring.

Tariq: Ok thats good

Me: The service was good today actually. We're in "ordinary time" now which strangely, in this church, is better than the non-ordinary time.

Tariq: Masha Allah good

One of the perks of having an adorable and incredibly suspicious newborn nephew is... all my stalkers are wondering if he's mine. BOOYA!

Hominoids, hominids, hominines, hominins, hominans, Homo sapiens. Totally NOT confusing.

Oops. I dinged that paint job they just finished on Thursday. (Well, "finished" is kinda debatable... I could have sworn they were supposed to do the trim, too.)

Chatting online with a Muslim friend in Pakistan, late at night.

Me: I think I missed fajr.

Him: Why would you offer fajr?

Hmmmmm... at first I was going to make a logical argument FOR it, but when I realized that fajr is at 3:34 am today, I decided he was right. We Lutherans don't get up that early.

To use or not to use "thusly". Questions I ask at 4:40 am on Saturday night.

Mmmmmm... "Theretofore". One of my favourite words.

A simple warehousing problem.

Supplier S sends us its products in a shipping package that is 30" x 30" x 20" and varies in weight from 425 lbs to 575 lbs. I have to overstock it using GMA pallets on racking that is rated for 6000 lbs. Company rules limit store-made pallets to 4' tall. (Nobody follows that rule.)

Question: will my pallet cube out or weight out, and if the latter, at what height?

Like I always say, if you don't use math at work, I don't think you're doing any work.

Computer: Elise?

Me: Yes, Dave.

Computer: Firefox update available.

Me: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

======
BAAHAHA! Two can play this game, computer!

Shift # dear-God-how-many-shifts-does-this-week have. Today we did...

Wait, let's get more suspense.

Today

we

did

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

one (1) trailer. ONE.

And...

I'm not gonna say freight went back for sure cause I didn't see it with my own eyes, but there were still skids on the floor when the other lift truck driver left.

Nine months ago when we did inventory, we were 8% over plan for inventory. Now we're actually UNDER our target, though I didn't hear how much. And I don't think we're going to fix that by doing less freight every day.

Shift #3: the management in their "wisdom" decided to cancel ALL deliveries on Wednesday (i.e. including the ones that were turned away on Tuesday for lack of doors) because there is an inspection tomorrow (Thursday) and they want the place to look good. (BAAAAHAHAHAHA good luck with that.) But we still have three trailers in the dock (two of them from yesterday) and no door. Some optimist somewhere in the structure decided that we'd empty out all three tonight. Hmmmmmm... I rather doubt that.

Yay, minimum wage is going up to $10.70 in September! Too bad I make more than minimum wage, I could use 2% raise.

Tariq: :(

Me: I got a 1% raise in March. I suppose that's better than a write-up. (Oh wait, I got lots of write-ups in March.)

Tariq: LOL How many in June write up?

Me: None so far but I'm sure they're working on it.

Tariq: hahahaha yeah they do all the time to Elise

Me: I bet if I can get three people to give me awards they'll write me up for asking people for awards.

Tariq: hahahahaha creepy people they are

Me: They're just small little people. With a big big stack of write-up forms.

Just as I predicted, we did NOT empty the three trailers. Our idiot supervisor vetoed the third one. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

Shift #3: the management in their "wisdom" decided to cancel ALL deliveries on Wednesday (i.e. including the ones that were turned away on Tuesday for lack of doors) because there is an inspection tomorrow (Thursday) and they want the place to look good. (BAAAAHAHAHAHA good luck with that.) But we still have three trailers in the dock (two of them from yesterday) and no door. Some optimist somewhere in the structure decided that we'd empty out all three tonight. Hmmmmmm... I rather doubt that.

Ok, painters, you need to fuck off now. I want to sleep.

Now the painter is talking to his associate on the phone, giving him a shopping list to pick up from Home Depot, and I know exactly what each product he wants is and where in my store it is. Disturbing.

The painter is here! WTF, I could have sworn he wasn't coming. Anyway he has his wet-dry vac (Ridgid Pro Pack, model WD4522, aisle 14 bay 110, 2 in stock received last night) and he's running it about 8' from HM's head. HM opened her eyes and looked in its general direction for about three seconds and went back to sleep. I can't tell if she's that deaf and blind or just that weak.

At work.

The Newest Guy: Elise, do you know where this product goes?

Me: Aisle 12, bay 78.

Newest Guy: Bay 78??

Me: I only know that because it's a problem bay. And that other stuff you have is for bay 74.

Newest Guy: . . . ?

Me: Bay 74 is also a problem bay.

Newest Guy: Do you know all the bays?

Me: Of course not, I have 122 bays. I only know that bays 1 and 2 are multi-tools, bay 3 jigsaws and recipro saws, bay 4 abrasives, bay 5 sanding, bay 6 power tool batteries, bay 7 circular saw blades, bays 8 and 9 are drill bits, bays 10 and 11 combo kits, bay 12 routers, bays 13 and 14 drills and hammer drills, bay 15 circular hand saws, bay 16 sanders, bay 17 grinders, bay 18 radios, bay 19 also radios and it's a mess, bay 20 is a mess, 21 to 23 are miter saws, 24 is bare tools, 25 and 26 table saws, 27 is the Milwaukee brand tower, 28 to 31 tool bags and tool boxes, 32 is the Kuny tool belts and knee pads, and after that is plumbing and electrical stuff that I don't care about, then -

=====
I had to stop there cause his brain started leaking out of his nose and ears.

Ioana, Mardrey, Nathalie, Tariq, Karen, Shelley and Allen like this.

The painter called and said he'd be here in about an hour. Good. That means I can go to sleep with no fear at all that he'll come over today.

You know you've had a long day when you try to unlock the bus with your keys.

Rhian, Mardrey, Dana, Suvi-Maarit and Nathalie like this.

If I drink coffee, I'll get a headache from dehydration. If I don't drink coffee, I'll get a headache from caffeine withdrawal. The only solution is to let my employer know that I have a dependence problem and I need time off to go into recovery.

Walking around my apartment with my keys in my hand.

The Brain: Let's put the keys down over here!

Me: But Brain, that's not their accustomed spot. We won't be able to find them again.

The Brain: Nonsense! I'll remember where they are.

Me: No, Brain. We should put the keys in their accustomed spot. That's the rule.

The Brain: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. (Brain puts keys down not in their accustomed spot.)

Fifteen minutes later.

Me: Yo Brain, I need to go out, where are the keys?

The Brain: The what now?

Me: The keys. I need my keys to go out.

The Brain: Well they must be in their accustomed spot.

Me: No, remember you put them somewhere else, right?

The Brain: That would be crazy. If the keys are not in their accustomed spot we won't be able to find them again.

Me: Scumbag BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!! You'll pay for this!!

At work. The Department Supervisor (DS) from Hardware (i.e. the department I stock night after night) is staying late to take down the merchandising display from the Power Tool Event and replace it with the unsold product from the Fathers' Day Gift Center. (Yes, we're always executing promos and special events. We hate it.)

After a while...

Hardware DS: Gee, these things are heavy! This is physical work!

Me: Pardon?

Hardware DS: All this stuff I have to move... it's heavy.

Me: Do you know who put it there in the first place?

Hardware DS: Er... no?

Me: You do realize that most of your freight goes through my hands, right?

Hardware DS: Oh. Well you're tougher than me.

=====
Yeah, well... DUH!!

Guy on the street: Such dog! Amaze! Wow!

======
I'm starting to think I'm gonna get tired of the Doge comments some day.

When the dog is lying down quietly and I can pet her for a while, I can count her ribs. And her vertebrae. And the bones in her pelvis. My poor precious.

We're starting the week three trailers behind. Some have been in our dock since at least Friday. And mind you we only have three doors. LOLLLLL

The worst part of the dog pissing on your bed isn't dog piss on your bed. It's the two hours you have to sit up and wait for the laundry to be done so you can go back to bed.

(Later.) I lied. I have no problem sleeping without sheets while the laundry is running.

I've been invited to be part of the chorus in a production of La Clemenza di Tito. Ummmmmm... I don't suppose any of youse got the score that you could lend to me?

When you crawl into bed for a well-deserved rest aaaaaaaaaaaand... the dog pissed on it.

Happiness is... blowing off the people who try to colonize your life and getting back to the Neolithic. Or, sadly, the Paleolithic. The more I go forward, the more I'm getting further back in time.

Mueed: Have patience. God will help u get out of such times.

Me: Not sure if you're being funny or you guys just really expect God to spoonfeed you everything.

Mueed: No i am not being funny. What can one do when things arent happening as desired.

Me: Well in the case of my enduring Neolithic / Paleolithic problem, I could take the time to edit my previous research thoroughly until I'm satisfied that I have used the best sources I can find and I can move on to the third millennium without having to go back all the time. I don't think that requires divine intervention.

Perks of roommate-free living, #10: I can give the dog a bath, and that too at 3:00 am. The poor thing has had all of one bath since we've been in Winnipeg... not that she missed the experience but maybe she'll feel more motivated to stay clean if she feels clean and fresh-smelling. (That being said, it's not funny how thin she is when she's wet. She looks like a chihuahua.)

Fun game we play with the newbies at work: look at a huge pile of freight and tell them without even touching the boxes what's in each of them and where it goes. It makes their brains melt.

Yes, my Windows Updates are turned off. Why do you ask?

Her Majesty's health bulletin.

Her Majesty seems fine, more's the pity. She can eat, she can walk for miles, she can talk. And she's a fucking nuisance. For the last three weeks or so she's simply refusing to piss outside. No, it's not that she can't wait. She just won't. She's pissed in the house minutes after coming back from a long walk. No matter how many times a day I mop, I can't even find everywhere she's pissed. The smell in the house is revolting. And naturally she's always right where you're trying to clean.

Also she won't eat Iams anymore. While we were at our friends' house and the week following I fed her only Iams kitten kibble and she ate it. Massive amounts of it, in fact. As soon as I started cooking again, she refused to eat the kibble. She can, but she won't. And I'm not going to waste my time and money feeding her all cooked food when she's perfectly able to eat Iams. But she refuses to eat Iams so she'll let herself starve. When her stomach is empty too long it causes her to throw up stomach acid. But she can't throw up with her throat obstructed, so it makes a really traumatic sound, and because her balance is poor, when her stomach fights to throw up it makes her fall. You'd think a foot-tall dog can only fall so hard but actually she has a way of falling REALLY hard.

Also she steps in her dish. No matter where or in what bowl I put the kibble, she steps in it and spills it everywhere. You can't walk anywhere in the house without stepping in kibble. And it costs money. Likewise she spills her water dish constantly. It looks like she's falling by accident or something, so I move her away from the dish, clean up, refill it, and she comes right back, does the exact same thing and spills it again. And you might think it's accidental except she does not EVER step in her porridge dish. Ever.

Oh yeah, did I mention she drinks obsessively? She always did, but she used to piss outside so it didn't matter. But I can't even ration her water much because she'll drink everything as soon as I leave for work, piss everything, and be dehydrated by morning.

Also she bites.

Also if I try to walk her outside she drags her feet, but she paces around the house non-stop. And of course not in the nice wide-open space where it would be merely annoying, but in all the narrow spaces where it's a real fucking pain. Like spilling her dishes over and over and over. Or getting stuck under the piano. No fucking reason to be under the piano but she's there eight times a day. If I pull her out, she goes right back.

And just to be an unredeemable bitch on all counts, she refuses to sit in her kennel so I can have some fucking peace. After a couple minutes she starts screaming like an angry cat. Not barking or whining like a dog, but literally screaming like an angry cat. She's doing it right now.

I'm pretty sure at one time I couldn't bear the thought of her dying. Now I'd give my left arm for her to just fucking die, and she's nowhere near death and not getting any nearer. Because she just HAS to be an ignorant ornery fucking animal right to the end.

I should move to Argentina and leave her here.

I dreamed I was in jail. I've never been able to figure out what causes that particular dream.

Tariq: you got freedom from the jail in dream or you were still in the jail or you were trying to escape ?

Me: Jail dreams are awesome. You're always watching your back but that's no different from being at work.

Allen: Maybe jail in your dream represents work!

Me: Jail in my dreams is way more awesome than work.

Megan: It represents a feeling of being trapped. By what, only you can say.

Me: You might be right. I'm a' blame the dog.

Dried apricots: ingredients: dried apricots, medium chain triglycerides, sulfur dioxide.

Me: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!

.

.

.

Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomnom.

Finally the dog is asleep! Or unconscious. Or dead. After her four-hour rampage, I'm not gonna chance waking her by checking, and frankly any of the above is acceptable at this point.

Wow, two months since I kept this up. Yet again I will try to get on with it... maybe now life is getting a bit more settled and it will happen. Or, maybe not.

English cricket commentary makes you feel like you're on reds.

England 575 for 9. Sri Lanka 212 for 2 so far. Lanka would totally win if this wasn't headed for a draw.

Conversation with coworkers from other departments at shift-change.

Me: My Facebook friend in Pakistan -

Canadian: He speaks English???

I and the Filipina look pointedly at the English-speaking Pakistani, who looks pointedly at the Canadian.

Canadian: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Me: Yeah, my friend speaks Punjabi, Urdu and English. So just three.

Pakistani: Pff. Just three.

Canadian: "just" three?

Me: Jags speaks five.

Canadian: Who's Jags?

Me: The Sikh guy on our team.

Canadian, pointing at a white guy with no turban: Him?

Me: Er... That's not a Sikh.

Pakistani: Yeah, not a Sikh.

Me: The one with the turban. That's a Sikh.

Canadian: Oh, Sikh! I thought you meant sick. The SICK guy on your team.

Pakistani and I: (sigh)

======
Multiculturalism: you're doing it wrong, Canada.

That one day a year when half my Facebook celebrates the end of hockey and I didn't even know it was on... and being single is just a tiny bit more awesome.

Chopin, you asshole... Serves you right you're dead.

And also I'd like to know how a cankerworm got not only into my house but on my piano. You die, bitch.

Let me explain something that some of you are evidently not grasping. How I appear on Facebook is how I want to be seen, like everybody else. If you want to flood Facebook with selfies, that's how you want to be seen. Whatever *I* flood Facebook with is how *I* want to be seen. If you don't like it, it's a safe bet that you don't like ME. If you want changes made to it, you don't like ME. So don't bother telling me if my Facebook participation leaves you somehow disappointed. All you're telling me is "hey, I don't like you, I need you to change to humour me." Don't bother. It won't happen. If you don't like it here, try this: 1) hover your mouse over my name; 2) in the menu that appears, hover over "friends"; and 3) in the second menu that appears, click on "unfriend". That shit works wonders, yo.

How I cook.

1. Let's make milk and toast!
2. Damn, I'm out of milk.
3. Boil water for pasta.
4. Damn, I'm out of pasta. (What can I say, it's the day before pay day.)
5. Is there anything in here that turns into food if I put it in boiling water?
6. Find a bag of cauliflower-broccoli mix in the freezer. Challenge accepted.
7. Boil it.
8. Put cheese on it.
9. Such healthy eating! Amaze. Wow.
10. I meant to do that.

On my second spring in Winnipeg, I finally encounter the dreaded cankerworm. Man, that is one disgusting animal. I mean, one disgusting beloved creature of the Lord.

HM and I encounter five people walking along the street.

One of the five: What breed of dog is that?

Me: A shiba inu.

He, to the other four: HA! It IS a Doge! I told you so!

They: OMG!!! A Doge! That's so awesome! A REAL Doge!

======
I had no idea HM could become EVEN MORE popular.

It would be disrespectful to call my boss a retard. Developmentally delayed people are vastly smarter than him.

My voice teacher returns after being away for three weeks.

Voice teacher: So, what did you work on?

Me: I worked on relaxing my jaw.

Voice teacher: Excellent! Let's sing.

(I sing for half an hour.)

Me: Ok, my jaw is really tired of relaxing now.

Voice teacher: ???

Me: Am I like the only person who finds relaxing really tiring?

Voice teacher: . . . . . . . Yes. You are.

========
Ok. :(

Perks of roommate-free living, #9: new driver's license comes in the mail... doesn't get stolen.

The book I've been needing for my research the last six weeks was in the last box. Not just "the last place I looked" but the final box that could be opened after all the other boxes were open. Scumbag boxes. But the good news is, while opening every single box, I found my "Harper hates me" shirt! Winnipeg, prepare to be propagandized.

Wind tickles my back / oh I could stand here all day / thank you, Winnipeg.

Perks of roommate-free living, #8: my energy bill went from over $200 to... $7.15. Pwnage!

Megan: How is that possible?

Me: Evidently my roommates were energy-wasting cunts, beside all their other qualities.

Megan: That's just an insane drop, even considering it is only part of a month.

Me: Yeah if I use $7 x 2 = $14 per month then the other two idiots were using more than ($200 - $14) / 2 = $93 each which is almost 7 times as much as I did. Which can be explained by frequent use of the oven, air conditioner (often both at once), lights, clothes dryer, heat, air purifier (in the smoker's room - WTF does a smoker care about pure air other than to run another appliance 24/7?), outdoor lights, massive amounts of heat in heating season... Basically all I use are the fridge and my laptop. Lights long enough to have a shower and that's really about it since I'm not even home at night.

The painter came again!!!! Such progress. Amaze. Wow. I should probably have asked him how long the mud needs to dry in the bathroom before I can have a shower.

If I could vote in Pakistan I'd never vote for Imran Khan again.

Ghulam: Why any reason

Me: All he does is criticize. He doesn't need to be elected to do that.

Mueed: He z a looser.

Me: He should just get a TV show. Like a Pakistani Howard Stern.

Mueed: And keep talking. As now no one cares what he says.

Me: I think that's why he's having those big rallies again. Rabble rousing is a lot easier than governing.

Mueed: He had the best chance to show case his strength.and tactics in worst hit part of country with terrorism. He just keeps talkn.

Tariq: thats good , i do never give him vote , (N.Ed.: Tariq is the son of one of Imran Khan's late mother's friends.)

Me: Yeah. He doesn't have a plan, I don't think he understands sociology or economics nearly enough to solve the problems, and I don't think he has the guts either. Just like his cricket captaincy, big talk but he sure drew a lot of matches.

Tariq: The big mouth and blaming is awesome from his side lol

Asad: Nobody deserve for vote in Pakistan. Next time I'll also not vote. I want army govt. (N.Ed.: Asad was a campaign worker for Imran in the 2013 election.)

Tariq: Army doesn't need vote lol, they need our call and they will be here in Islamabad hehehe

Asad: So what they are waiting

Tariq: Good question. They are waiting the moment when will never say again our army is the bad , always they come we welcome them, but on other side we also kick them at the end

Me: Same thing you do to your cricket players.

Tariq likes this.

Anybody want a free dog?

Diana: Aside from the fact that HM probably doesn't tolerate children, it sounds like she and Belle (N.Ed.: Belle is Diana's three-ish year old daughter) have much in common.

Me: Why? Does Belle piss on everything and give you the time of day only when she wants something?

Ahmad: hahaha i dont want

Me: Yeah I don't want her either. She's just intolerable.

Ahmad: hehehe

Shelley: Your dog sounds like it's been taking advice from a cat

Me: I'm pretty sure cats take advice from her. I think she consults for the devil, too.

Shelley: Maybe she's the in between for the cats and the devil

Me: They're all her minions. Everyone here is just her minion. I'm just the lucky minion who gets to mop up five times a day.

I'm not boycotting the FIFA world cup. I just give zero fucks about soccer.

I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.

Me: Yo dog, want some porridge?

Dog: Omnomnomnomnomnomnomnom MORE.

Me: Can you say "please sir, I want some more?"

Dog: Dafuq did you say?

Me: Say "please sir, I want some more."

Dog: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE.

Me: Fak u, dog.

Gas is up to 132.9 today. I remember then I had my Camaro I used to think 47.9 was outrageous.

Suddenly I come down with a violent case of orange disease.

And while I was typing this witty status, after walking the dog every two fucking hours all fucking day... she pissed on the floor again. Fuck. My. Life.

Words that totally bore me: inspire; dream; democracy.

I walked the dog three times today, she didn't pee. She hasn't peed outside in days, literally. We go back inside and I do all the floors. That she's obviously pissing on since she won't go outside. The cleaner smells of ammonia. An hour later the smell of ammonia subsides. So... the dog pisses a gallon of water at the highest point of the floor so it runs over half the living room. Fuck you, you ignorant animal, I'm sick and tired of your manipulative bullshit.

Me: Ah... What a lovely day. I think I shall study Urdu. Computer.

Computer: Yes, Dave.

Me: Dawn Urdu.

Dawn Urdu: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

Me: Hmmm... Dawn Urdu, Sports?

Dawn Urdu Sports: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

Me: BBC Urdu?

BBC Urdu: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

Me: Can I have any OTHER news?

All the news sites: کراچی ایئر پورٹ

=====
Well. I guess I'm studying کراچی ایئر پورٹ then.

I slept 10 hours Thursday, 9 hours Friday, 7 hours Saturday, 9 hours Saturday overnight, and another 3 hours after church. Jealous?

At church after my reading:

Brother 1: Peace be with you, you read really well.

Brother 2: Peace be with you, nice reading.

Sister 1: Peace be with you, you did a great job.

Brother 3: Peace be with you, good job with all the names there.

Sister 2: Peace be with you, I understood every word!

Pastor: Peace be with you, the secretary must really trust you to have given you that reading with all the names.

=====
Yep. Not everyone can say "Parthians, Medes, Elamites, and residents of Mesopotamia, Judea and Cappadocia, Pontus and Asia, Phrygia and Pamphylia, Egypt and the parts of Libya belonging to Cyrene, and visitors from Rome, both Jews and proselytes, Cretans and Arabs" without stumbling.

I haven't studied since I moved in here. I think I've forgotten how.

Reading at church: the only time in life when you try to pronounce a semi-colon.

166 hours a week my dog won't give me the time of day... and the two hours that it takes to make a batch of dog food she's like my shadow. Scumbag dog.

Let's all play weather oneupmanship! Everyone post in comments where you are and what the temperature is. Highest temperature wins... everyone's sympathy.

Me: Winnipeg, 19 C. With a lovely breeze, too. Mmmmm... Breeze...

Susan: 61f no clue what it is c but that's on the cooler side for late spring

Me: That's 16 C. Nice.

Karen: Burlington Vermont , 24 C

Me: You're in the lead... until Pakistan wakes up and we get the 50+ numbers.

Vicki: Venice, Fl 90 degrees

Me: That's 32 C. I'm too hot already.

Karen: Ok, Vicki wins for now

Vicki: LOL

Me: I was gonna say Vicki is an over-achiever but so are you and Susan. I'm just lazy.

Diana: In Vancouver, I don't know what the temp is but it's perfect for running through a sprinkler.

Vicki: I knew I was hot stuff! LOL

Me: Vancouver: 22 C. Vicki you're a hot mama.

Rankings so far: Vicki (Florida, 32), Karen (Vermont, 24), Diana (Vancouver, 22), Elise (Winnipeg, 19), Susan (Colorado, 16). My money's on Mueed to win this.

Megan: Yellowknife: 12.

Theresa: Phoenix Arizona. 104 today and we're glad it's cooler than it's been last few days!

Jane: Tennessee. 90 F today. Horrible thunderstorms now. Gotten well over 10 inches of rain since Thursday.

Me: Theresa takes the lead with 40 C! This is fun. Jane I hope you don't get flooded.

Asad: Lahore 45 c at 09:36 am.

Tariq: Murree 25 lol

Mueed: We are on bit cooler side today. Its just 46 C here in Jacobabad, Pakistan. We had 51 C yesterday. I won even then a bit cooler than yesterday

Me: Final tally:

Mueed (Jacobabad, 46)
Asad (Lahore, 45)
Theresa (Phoenix, 40)
Vicki (Florida, 32) and Jane (Tennessee, 32)
Tariq (Murree, 25)
Karen (Vermont, 24)
Diana (Vancouver, 22)
Elise (Winnipeg, 19)
Susan (Colorado, 16)
Megan (Yellowknife, 12)

Intoxicated person on street: Excuse me, are you sober?

Me: Er... yeah.

Intoxicated person: Can you write a text for me?

Me: Sure.

Intoxicated person, handing me her phone: Can you write "let's party now, nephew".

Me: Ok. (typing) There you go.

Intoxicated person: Thanks. (staggers off)

====
Wow. I'm so glad my massive literacy skills could be put to use for the relief of suffering humanity.

My nephew Jack is rocking memes already at the age of one day.

Percentage of people who miss work on Friday when our supervisor is working: 40.

Percentage of people who miss work on Friday when our supervisor is NOT working: 0.

Y u so stupid, management?

When you've been working for so long you start to realize you missed coffee... so you check the time and it's only been 45 minutes. <sob>

Hexagonaria is the state fossil of Michigan. Making Michigan the only place I've ever heard of that has a state fossil.

First I noticed our department is adding about 10 shifts a week. Then I noticed no other department is adding any. We're good like that.

Me teaching a future Canadian the basics:

1) Don't eat yellow snow.
2) Minimum wage is $10.45 in Manitoba.
3) Here is a selection of Newfie jokes.

Did I miss anything?

First of all, I'm in favour of mankading because it's fun to watch and adds surprise and excitement to the game. Second, England should have known Sri Lanka would go there because they play like tax accountants: take every loophole and little-used law, appeal every decision, and if it doesn't go against you some of the time you're not trying hard enough. And third, if the batsman doesn't like it he can bloody well stay in his crease next time.

We should put a Nilometer on the steps of the Legislature so we can watch the river level drop. Assuming it ever does.

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who recognize HM as a shiba inu, and those who guess the wrong species altogether. Then there is the guy who said "like that dog on the internet!" Thank you, Doge, for sparing me another "just like a little fox" comment.

A sister at church: Next Sunday is Pentecost, we should all wear red.

Me: Oh yeah. And I'm reading, so I should definitely wear red.

Sister: YOU're reading for Pentecost? Excellent! You can read in tongues.

Me: Ji haan. ¿Por qué no?

Despite my grousing about the rent, I have to admit I really enjoyed being able to pay my rent, my whole rent, and nothing but MY rent, on time, without having to extort it from some non-working slime in my house.

Nathalie, Tariq, Mardrey, Dana, Megan, Ahmad, Deirdre and Jane like this.

In other news, the painter came and patched the walls. Yay! With any luck he should be able to complete the work within six to eight weeks.

Today on Facebook's targeted ads for me: the Home Insemination Program! Where apparently I can "achieve pregnancy in the comfort of my own home." Hmmmmmmmm... Maybe I'm just not gonna comment.

(N.Ed.: following this post I had to explain to some Pakistani friends the concept of a sperm bank. It was NOT a big hit.)

That feeling when rent is the day after payday and you don't even get to see your hard-earned money.

When I wake up at 7:00 AM on my day off: FML WHY AM I UP SO EARLY?????

When I wake up at 11:00 AM on my day off: FML WHY DID I SLEEP SO LATE?????

Sigh.

I got tired of the expense and aggravation of cooking rice for my dog every week, so I decided to make a batch with oatmeal instead and see if she'd take to it. So I'm mixing a pound of ground beef into a vat of cooked oats and I thought, you know, the surrealism crept into my life so gradually that I never even noticed when putting hamburger in my porridge became the most rational next step.