Then I read an Urdu word that I didn't even know ahead of time!!!!!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Me: I deciphered a word in Urdu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good thing "zebra" is pretty much the same in every language.

Diana: You are reading about zebras in Urdu. You are not so boring are you?

Me: I'm not actually reading about zebras, I just have a picture book with Urdu and English labels. So I figured out "zebra" and then "cow". Writing it myself is gonna be a whole nother can of worms. But I can't make out "elephant" even though I know how to say it. This script makes no sense to me.

Diana: Well hopefully elephants won't come up in conversation next time you are writing a letter to someone in Urdu.

Me: I don't think I can get by on just "cow" and "zebra" though.

Diana: You could in some crowds. Containing certain animals...

Me: Yeah, like if my plane crashes in the Serengeti, and I and a Pakistani are the only two survivors, and we have to stalk the gnus and zebras for survival.

Laundry in the useless dryer for the third freakin time and I'm so tired... Better watch the Urdu alphabet jingle again to keep myself awake.

Landlord comes by to pick up the rent from those who pay cash. Sneaks in (not allowed, mind you, she can't go into a rental unit without our permission), goes downstairs, gets rent from Downstairs Roommate, avoids me sitting in living room, doesn't even try to talk to Upstairs Roommates whom I'm demanding she evict since Female Roommate wiped her ass with my facecloth, and sneaks out again. Seriously if that's your people skills you really need to not be a landlord.

Winnipeg is almost cut off from the world by overflow on various highways, but we're still comfortably high and dry with our amazing transit, our palatial library, and our excellent ballet company opening a show this week. My life: you know you want it!

I created a new, extra-secure password by combining science and the Bible. Ain't nobody gonna think of that! Unfortunately it's also really hard to memorize. Can't win them all.

Why am I awake? Why did I bring the laptop cord upstairs? Why doesn't the dog ever get insomnia the same days I do?

Me: Writing Urdu is hard.

Ahsan: Not for a urdu person.

Me: I have a hard time recognizing the letters when they're linked together. Also the difference in sounds between some of the letters is not clear to my untrained ear.

Ahsan: Yeah it is a very hard task . But 'PRACTICE' makes everything perfect.

Me: Exactly. The library has lots of books in Urdu from children to adult so once I figure out the writing I should be able to start picking up some vocabulary.

19:53: I need to go to the library and the grocery store but I don't have time for both. Think think think...

21:30: Sitting on the couch with eight library books and a bowl of quinoa for supper because there's always quinoa in my house.

Conclusion: quinoa makes people more educated.

It's raining and I have three hours left to finish my library book on which I have made no progress since yesterday 22:00. So I'm not going to watch the raising of the floodgates. Eh, there's always next year.

Walk into Manitoba Healthcare: 11 people ahead of me. Crap... 15 minutes later: walk out with new healthcare card. Manitoba Government service rocks!

Fustian.

Floodway gates going up today at 6 pm. I'm gonna try to go see them. Also, it's 27 C warmer in Winnipeg than in Hay River. "Just sayin'". LOL

Light on: so tired I can't even watch YouTube. Light off: so awake I can't even blink.

K, it's really hard to sleep with a dog staring at you for three hours straight.

Hypothesis: I'd read faster if I wasn't watching documentaries on YouTube at the same time.

If only there was a way to test it...

I inquired into Twitter rules to try and guess why my friend was suspended, and apparently one of the criteria that make you a spammer is if you have a lot more followees than followers. What???? But I have 4.35 times as many followees as followers! Is it my fault that news outlets don't follow the people who follow them? I can't very well expect Peter Mansbridge and Al-Jazeera to follow me back . What an unfair rule.

Never thought I'd see the day I'd feel bad for George W. Bush.

Me, to a coworker I just met: So where were you born? (Ed.: only one person on my team was born in Canada.)

Coworker: China.

Me: Like, where in China?

Coworker: In the south.

Me: But where in the south? It's a big place.

Coworker: Close to Hong Kong.


Ok. So I go home and look up what's close to Hong Kong in China. Answer: Shenzhen. K, see, that would have meant way more to me than "close to Hong Kong." He must think Canadians are totally ignorant.

The server is like a whore's pants on payday.

While I napped (work tonight) and the vicious bitch cleaned up after her dog, she also tore up all the English daisy sprouts in my planter and put salt on it. Eeeeeeexcellent... I washed the salt off and emailed the landlord. Duh...

Yesterday at 19:37, the roommates' dog wanted out. I texted Male Roommate to tell him. Nothing was done. Today when I came home from rehearsal at 14:00, the dog had obviously still not been out. He begged me desperately to let him out, but I didn't. So then he shit all over the kitchen and hallway just as I was about to sit down for lunch. I told Female Roommate, then took my lunch into the living room. By the time I was done eating, she had not come downstairs, so I went upstairs and told her again. She slammed her door in my face and called me a bitch (she does that a lot, always from behind a closed door). In the additional time she spent sulking, I had time to grab my camera and take some photos. Then she came out of her room just as I was coming upstairs, and she kicked her dog so that he screamed. I know I set the dog up for it and that's not right, but there is no "right" in this situation. More importantly I got to email the landlord again, and sooner or later the little bitch will get evicted and hopefully the dog will go to the SPCA so someone less disgusting can adopt him.

Clothes have gotten so skanky, you can't even tell the prostitutes from the ones who do it for free anymore.

Teenaged boys doing the Macarena in church. Dafuq?

This time could be much more constructively spent whth my dog.

My fat pants don't fit right. I'm starting to think I may be losing weight.

I don't want to go to bed because the next thing I have to do after sleeping is a boring 4-hour musical rehearsal which wouldn't be necessary if all the two-hour musical rehearsals hadn't been a complete waste of time. But then I have to work tomorrow night so the longer I stay up before the rehearsal, the more I'll regret it tomorrow. Not to mention there is another two-hour rehearsal tomorrow after church.

I hate the phrase "changing the course of history". History doesn't exist until it has happened, and once it has happened you can't change it. The most you can do is rewrite the course of history à la 1984. Logic, bitches!

Me: My eyes are itchy.

Brain: Rub them with your fingers.

Me: That will make it worse.

Brain: No it won't, it will make it better.

Me: We've tried it before. It makes it worse.

Brain: Ah, shut up. I'll just move your hand myself.

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaugh! It burns! It burns!

Brain: Wow. I guess you were right.

I'm glad my dog is not likely to outlive me. That way I'll always be able to believe that if she had, she would have been the kind of dog who sits by her human's grave disconsolately for years.

I feel bad for George W. Bush. Opens a library, everyone still makes fun of him for being ignorant. Sometimes a war criminal just can't win.

Oh yeah, I guess I didn't mention I didn't get in the choir I auditioned for. But I got excellent feedback and I will do better next year.

Every once in a while I get this sudden urge to make and post a list of all the people in Hay River who were extra nasty cunts to me. But then I don't cause I'm a bigger person. But I sure don't miss the snakes, bitches, Slimey, and the rest.

When you think about it, I've survived SARS, H1N1, the Rapture and the end of the Maya calendar. I'm fucking badass.

Alright, Brain, let's try to stay awake for an entire hour. I believe in you.

I'm so tired, I've slept 28 out of the last 33 hours. I hope it's this cold making me tired and not my work schedule.

Seriously: the US has less than 5% of the world's population, so how about giving some news coverage to the other 95%? Pissing me off.

My mind wants stimulation but my body is too lazy to create some. Can someone please just feed me some mental stimulation while I sit here and stare blankly?

Hello, Booster Juice. How nice to drink you again after 10 years.

Wow. Sounds like all the birds just woke up at once. I wonder whether it is because of the amazing way nature is so attuned and they're responding to the approach of dawn... or if it had anything at all to do with that raucous flock of seagulls having a shouting match at 5:25 AM for no reason.

VERY strange things my boss says: "I want to go to bed. Come with me." It was totally not what it sounds like, but it does sound funny.

If you're done getting all puffed up with your importance over Earth Day, maybe you'd like to do something for Malaria Day next. Something that ACTUALLY reduces the incidence of malaria in the world, not just something to make yourself feel important.

I requested a musical score in Russian and Japanese through interlibrary loans. Let's see what happens.

So I'm thinking, next time I have to audition for this Russian conductor, I should do The Motherland Hears by Shostakovich. It's a) easier than what I just did, b) classical, c) in Russian and d) quite lovely. The question is whether singing a famous Soviet song for a conductor who was born and trained in Soviet Russia is brilliant or a huge faux-pas.

Greek bailout jokes at coffee break. Company-sponsored Tim Horton's coffee (blech) at lunch. Praise from supervisor at quitting time. I like my job. Now sleep.

So, about my audition: no way in hell I made it for the May concert, but I still think my chances are better than zero for September. They'll get back to me. Hopefully, next time not two days before I have to sing.

K, this dude is scary. I screwed up everything I don't screw up but less than half the ones I always screw up.

Only 3 of us auditionees. Is that more intimidating or less intimidating?

49 minutes.

Exiting Conservatory after warm up. My voice sounds better than yesterday.

Schedule for May 12-18 comes out and I have... 40 hours that week! I’m rich! I’m wealthy! Yahoo! I’m comfortably well off, woo hoo! Oh boy! I’m rich! I’m wealthy! I’m socially independent! I’m secure! I’m rich! I’m rich!

Three hours. It's driving me nuts sitting here not practicing when there is so much about this piece that is so NOT ready for an audition.

On my Twitter feed: the Royal Winnipeg Ballet is working on a Margaret Atwood ballet. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr... I think I'm gonna have a seizure.

Hmmmmmm... According to the most recent calculations, I have to be up in five hours for my audition. I guess now would be a good time to set that song on eternal repeat again and go to sleep. Pô l'temps d'niaiser.

New job, day 4: my supervisor takes me aside and tells me it's time to train me for greater responsibilities. It's like "pwnage" and "who's you daddy" had a love child.

How long it took to convince my supervisor that I rock this job: 1.25 shifts. Hehehehehe.

Must... stop... coughing...

Desperately need to practice for audition. Equally desperately need to rest my voice. Think think think... Buy song on iTunes, play it on repeat for the next 24 hours. Hopefully that will solve my starting notes problem. As for the rest... inshaAllah.

24 hours.

Sore throat. Not today! Of all days, I cannot have a sore throat today. Or tomorrow. I don't care if I can't speak Wednesday but I CANNOT have a sore throat today or tomorrow.

If I go to bed now I can get my eight hours. Pô l'temps d'niaiser!

Weeeeeee!

Soon...

I hope that when I think about my dog she can feel it somehow.

Things go so much faster my way.

We must be getting pretty close to the speed of light: every move takes forever.

Tired? Coffee. Headache? Coffee. Voice breaking when I sing? Coffee. Bored? Coffee. Racing heart and shaking hands? . . . Well, might as well have another coffee.

As if it were a light thing for thee to walk in the sin of Jeroboam. I mean, REALLY.

I was gonna have a nap before work but then I spent it rehearsing for my audition instead. Pô l'temps d'niasier.

Sunday night shift starts at 20:00 instead of 22:30. Er... Yeah, that's kinda like making dayshift come in at 5:30 AM, you know? No me gusta.

Chatting with my pastor after the service. Me: If you live longer than me you're gonna have to preach Revelation 4 for my funeral. You know, "casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea."

Pastor: I see.

Me: I have all my readings and hymns picked out. It's gonna be a looooooong service.

Pastor: You should email it to me. It's really helpful when people do that, then we know what they want.

Me: Really, people do that? I thought it was just me being obsessive.

Pastor: Oh yeah, we have lots of people's instructions. Just email it to me and we'll put it in your file.

Me: Ok.


Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute... The church has a FILE on me??????????? Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!

First time reading at new church; everybody compliments me on my reading. ??? I don't get it.

HEADACHE!

Headache.

After a coffee and a strong anti-inflammatory, my headache has diminished and the wracking myalgia is mostly gone. Curiously, the dog also seems to feel better. Hmmmmm... Does this mean I can treat her pain by medicating myself? Or conversely, treat my pain by medicating her?

Male Roommate showers for 45 minutes; fucks his girlfriend for 4 minutes; showers for 25 minutes. Dude, I think that's your penis's way of telling your brain to tell you "please stop making me do this."

But if I can get my dog's headache, maybe my dog doesn't actually have a headache, but is getting mine?

I think I can feel my dog's headache. Is that even scientifically possible?

So many responsibilities, so zero desire to make an effort.

Female Roommate tells a story about her dog ruining her ex-girlfriend's $300 boots. So let me get this straight... you're 16 and shacked up with a guy who does everything for you and you treat him like dirt in return... and that's not even your FIRST sugardaddy? I'm thinking "psychopath".

Yay! Time to go home to my dog!

I miss my dog and I'm way tired of hearing dumb crap about Boston.

I should be a psychiatrist. Then at least people would have to pay to talk at me.

Dear Canada Post: don't even think about the weekend until I have an Economist in my hands.

If I had a superpower, it would be to have all my fingernails grow at the same rate. F@#!@#$ing things drive me nuts.

Walking along with the dog minding our own business... and then I turn around and on the fence of a house we just passed, there is a bird #114, Prairie Falcon, looking at us all relaxed and unconcerned. Sweet...

Call boss to check on the pay discrepancy. End up being scheduled to work tonight. WTF? Better get back to bed so I can be all rested and all.

First paystub of the new job indicates that... they seem to have paid me $0.75/hour more than my job offer said. I should probably ask whether it's a mistake...

I wish my dog had a snooze button.

Me, to WPC: So are you guys gonna put Elijah on a CD so we can buy it?

WPC Facebook account: I would say there are probably way too many union rules for us to be able to do that.


Hmmmmmmmm... As a socialist, I support my union brothers and sisters, but... Damnit, I want that CD! It was awesome! And even if someone has a more awesome, professional choir, it's the only one with Gregory Dahl! Boohoohoo I'm so sad...

o/~ Hear and answer Baal! Hear and answer Baal! o/~

o/~ Baal O hear us and answer us! o/~

Well hello, woodlice. Why am I not surprised to see you in the bathroom that has no fan and a sealed window? Crustaceans: 1, large human brain and prehensile hands: 0. A brain is completely wasted on most people, you know.

Oh, The Mikado is on next week? Yeah, why not. It's not like I already have two commitments a day on my calendar or anything... jk.

Rhinoceroses do not appear in the Bible. Think about it.

I have reverse-internet problem. Want to kill time looking at useless stuff on internet, can't find any to look at.

April 18. Would have been 9 years in Hay River. Also 6 years single. Onward and upward!

Eating dinner... eating dinner... k I'm gonna do something else now... as I'm getting up, realize there is still food on my plate. WTF? Who loses their train of thought in the middle of eating a plate of food???

Potassium "sorbate", not potassium "sorbet".

I wish potatoes popped like popcorn.

The cricket video live feed is awfully choppy this morning.

I don't know why the dog let me sleep in by two hours but I'm gonna assume it's bad. And now my whole daily routine is out of order. Damn... I was in such a good mood before I woke up.

Last night when I went to bed I was full of enthusiasm for all the things I'd achieve today. But in the end all I did was watch cricket, sing until my voice broke, and clean the floor that a dog immediately peed on again. Maybe if I go to bed surly and pessimistic, I'll achieve something tomorrow.

Just finished doing all the floors downstairs (the landlord's responsibility, not mine, but who's counting?) and threw the Swiffer wet cloth in the trash and... the Good Roommate's dog peed on the floor. I suppose other people have bigger problems than that, but, you know...

Manitoba does not consider your driver's license from another province to be proof of your name or date of birth, but it does accept it as proof of your signature and photo. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard today.

Winnipeg, day 77. I have 13 days left to change my driver's license, insurance, registration and health care to Manitoba. Chore... Don't feel like doing any of this, let alone have my vehicle inspected. But the good news is, my car insurance is apparently not gonna go up compared to the NWT.

Or this one.

I think I'm gonna sing this next. But I also think her Gs are slightly flat.

I think there is a special place in Hell for music books with perfect binding. In fact, I'm pretty sure the fires of Hell are fed primarily on music books with perfect binding. Whoever came up with that idea obviously has never played any music.

Me: Google.

Google: Yes, Dave?

Me: Difference between mashallah

Google: and subhanallah.


Oh good, I'm not the only one who didn't know.

The Manitoba budget: RST, which affects almost nothing I buy, goes up one percentage point; minimum wage, which affects everything I buy since that's how I pay for it, goes up 1.95%. I like you already, Manitoba politicians.

You know what I REALLY miss about Hay River? I finally had a comfy place with a decent landlord and a minimum amount of trouble with the neighbours. I'm so not in the mood to start moving over and over until I find such a decent place again.

Mardrey: Yeah, that's too bad. Maybe someone through church would have a lead on a good place?

Me: That's what I was thinking too. I just really don't want to have to move. I have the perfect location and my bedroom is comfy, and I just don't feel like moving.

The downside of social media is you get to find out everyone's opinion of everything. I think life was better when opinions were screened by editors, put on a special page no one reads, and not allowed at the dinner table.

I hope my friends in Pakistan are ok after the earthquake.

Me, to my pastor: How does one get on the readers' list? And how does one get to work on the flowerbeds outside the church?

Pastor: Thank you so much for offering to help! You're the best!


Er... What are you talking? Oh I see, you thought I'm doing this for you because I'm helpful. But I'm really doing it for ME because I desperately need a garden. Just because you're a pastor and I'm a Christian, doesn't mean this is all about YOU.

K, I need $70 for soccer registration, $209 for rowing and $130 each for ballet and jazz. Srsly, work, make it happen.

Give me an incorrect explanation of the anatomy of breathing for the third week in a row, will you? Fine then, I'm explain to you the anatomy of breathing... in BIRDS. Buahaha! And my "how does it feel" analogy of the week is: Down syndrome. And I'm not even TRYING to shock you... yet.

Golf books: 40' of shelf. Cricket books: 4" of shelf. Why does golf need so many books? Hit ball, go look for it, repeat.

Strange things that come up on Google: "how did Christians get into heaven before Jesus was born?" Um.......... K, not gonna touch it.

Rowing and soccer registrations are on. I'm not inclined to join either of these things when the river hasn't even moved yet.

Me: Computer.

Computer: Yes, Dave?

Me: Get me a book on cricket.

Computer: Do you mean sport or insect?

Me: Sport.

Computer: "Batting on the Bosphorus : a liquor-fueled cricket tour through Eastern Europe", available at Millennium Library.


Wow. Cricket sounds more fun than I thought.

(Later.)

Diana: Dave?

Me: I like to live dangerously.

Diana: Apparently.

Me: Now I don't know whether you're getting it or just humouring me.

Diana: No, I don't get it.

Me: In 2001: A Space Odyssey, one of the human protagonists is named Dave, so obviously the talking computer addresses him as Dave. Later on the talking computer kills everyone except, narrowly, Dave. So I like to imagine the Intertubes addressing me as Dave.

Diana: A strange world you live in.

Me: I know. My computer is trying to kill me. To say nothing of the liquor-fueled cricket tour through Eastern Europe.

Strange things my pastor says: "Did you enjoy the movie (about Archbishop Romero)?" Um... I'm not sure "enjoy" is the word I'm looking for.

Me, having a conversation with teenagers before the church musical rehearsal: So, are you guys going to see Aida?

Lauren: I am. My favourite opera singer is in it.

Me (apart): A teenager with a favourite opera singer? How delightful. (Aloud) Really, which one?

Lauren: Gregory Dahl.

Me: BITCH I WILL CUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Srsly why is there a skidoo in the WAG?

I am wide awake
In the middle of the night
And my haiku sucks

For my anti-Pakistani friends who also can't stop bitching about the Canadian weather, I'll give you something to hate on: the weather forecast from my Twitter feed. #Islamabad 16 degree centigrade‚ #Lahore 22‚ #Karachi 26‚ #Peshawar 19‚ #Quetta 8‚ #Muzaffarabad 17‚ #Murree & #Gilgit 10 degree centigrade.

As I go to bed, I can hear the roommates' dog crying all alone in their room, and I know he hasn't been out since I took him for a quick pee 13 hours ago. As far as I know he also has no water because he was drinking from my dog's dish all day. There's nothing I can do for him legally right now because I can't go into the other room without permission, obviously. And I don't want to take care of him, not only because I have enough to do with my own dog but also the more I do for him, the more he comes to me when he needs something, and I can't very well refuse to help him when he asks me. But on the other hand, I can't just NOT help him. Poor creature.

So I was riding along in my automobile (i.e. the bus) and from the corner of my eye I thought I read "desi pizza". Now "pizza" is an Italian dish and "desi", as my Pakistani sources inform me, means "local, indigenous". In Urdu, obviously, not in Italian. Hmmmmm... I'm not understanding these two words together.

So I started googling "desi pizza" and immediately Google said "Henderson Winnipeg". Ok. Enter. Click the link. Yep, "Desi Pizza and Sweets". On the pizza menu: butter chicken, tandoori fish, tandoori chicken, spinach, gobi. O. M. G. Butter chicken and gobi aloo are my two most favourite dishes EVER (except desserts). And now they come on a pizza. Just a short, short bus ride from my house. Also on the curry menu is goat curry. Mmmmmmm... Goat... I'm not finding the "sweets" part of the menu but who needs sweets when you've just had gobi pizza and goat curry? Can't wait to go there.

I'm very nearly getting my high C now. The pitch is right, it just needs to resonate.

Why do you people all have better things to do than Facebook on Saturdays? I'm bored! Communicate with me!

Good news: finally set up my TV, DVD and NES, and everything works. Bad news: my Super Mario game DOESN'T work. The one game I really wanted to play. :(

I wonder if I can get financing for a $2200 camera kit.

Damn. The roommates' dog found me. Now he's gonna stare at me and cry until I take him out to pee, because he knows it works on me and not on them.

"People do not migrate, even in today's crowded world, simply because there are too many at home. Crowding would be called a 'push' factor by modern demographers, a negative condition at home. But there are other kinds of 'push' factors - war, disease, crop failure, climate change, institutionalized raiding for loot, high bride-prices, the laws of primogeniture, religious intolerance, banishment, humiliation, or simple annoyance with the neighbours." (David W. Anthony, "The Horse, the Wheel and Language")

That's a lot like Hay River, you see. Crop failure (crappy economy), high bride-prices (no one to date) and considerable "simple annoyance with the neighbours."

Wrapping my bed in poly makes me feel like Marla Singer.

At my job, there is a WRITTEN company rule that you have to make eye contact with coworkers, smile and greet them; and that when you come in for morning shift you have to greet and thank the fulfillment team that's been working overnight. And the craziest thing is... people actually do it. I think I'm gonna like it there.

In my first encounter with the Manitoba Government, they made 13 mistakes in spelling my 10-letter name. Off to a good start... So I emailed them and said I'd like it fixed. They passed the email around until they got to the right department head and she emailed me saying I just don't understand the situation. So I emailed her again explaining that I understand the situation perfectly well and her clerk screwed up. 48 minutes later, the problem was fixed and they apologised to me.

Three things that are different from the GNWT:
1) "48 minutes later"
2) "the problem was fixed"
3) "they apologised"

All that and they get paid 38% less than GNWT employees, too.

In the dryer, the mattress pad wrapped itself around the sheets and then around and around itself in such a tight knot that I had to cut it to rescue my sheets. Now I have one less mattress pad and my sheets are still wet. It would have been an interesting phenomenon if it hadn't wasted my time and belongings.

My seeds are sprouting!

No lost-time injury since 2000; inflict painful injury to my ankle while lying in bed. Dafuq?

And now the moment of truth: did the dog wet the bed?

Rob: Dun da dun...

Me: She didn't!! Cause why pee on the bed when it's covered in poly, right?

Lucky for me this is a dress rehearsal and no one stopped me leaving, then running back in to retrievd my misplaced wallet.

I don't even like the end of Aida anyway. It's corny and it doesn't even have Amonasro.

Hey, I can see on the monitor here in the lobby. It just doesn't have opera-titles.

I don't think the plot is quite pharaonic Egypt. Or the boxer-briefs, either.

From my house to seated at the opera in 20 minutes. Thank you, Winnipeg.

Sometimes I am saved by grace through faith; other times by timely arrival of bus.

Good news: bed dogproofed. Bad news: running way late for opera. Can't win them all.

Aida in 2.5 hours. I wonder if the dog is gonna think I went to work and piss on the bed again. I think I'll just put the mattress against the wall so she can't use the bed at all.

On my cultural calendar this week: 1) Aida 2) PSY's new dance video unveiled.

Just as I feared: the dog pissed on the bed again. And putting a second mattress pad on top of the blanket did not prevent them getting wet. (The mattress, however, is dry, as is my comforter that I wisely did not put back on after yesterday's wash.) So now I have to solve two problems: 1) how do I prevent the urine from getting into all my bedding, and 2) more importantly, how do I reconcile my dog to the fact that I have to work.

Vicki: Yep sounds like he's mad. My dog started doing this so I made her stay in a cage while we slept and she wasn't allowed on the bed for awhile. She got the message and now she's back on the bed

Me: Yep, she's probably gonna spend a few nights in the cage. But I wish I knew whether she is angry, sad, lonely, or scared because of the roommates. If they're carrying on at night while I'm at work, that would stress her out, and if that's the reason, then putting her in the cage seems rather unkind.

Vicki: But if she is scared about them then a cage in your room would be good because she will feel safe in it. My dogs love their cages they sleep in them even with the doors open

Me: But this is not just any dog! I actually bought the cage with this exact reasoning in mind, that she'd enjoy having a little cave to hide in when she's scared. Not once has she ever gone into the cage when scared, and very rarely of her own free will at all. When she's scared she mostly just wants to harass me.

Vicki: I bet she mad at for being gone, really. I would just make her stay off the bed for awhile, it didn't take Peaches long to understand I wouldn't put up with a wet bed. She's back on our bed.

Me: You're probably right. I wish she had prehensile hands so I could make her wash all the wet bedding herself. That would probably straighten her right out.

Barbara: Try covering the bed with a sheet of heavy ml, slippery plastic (from the hardware store). My dog would hate that, and not go on the bed.

Me: Yes, I was thinking a tarp but the poly would definitely annoy the dog more.

Freedom! Now to see what the dog got up to.

Dear coworker: I can see you know everything. But you've been calling me Lisa all night despite my name tag; so maybe you DON'T know everything.

I'd like to go home now. I don't trust what the dog might be getting up to.

I can has... actual work! Yay! And kevlar gloves. Why doesn't anyone up north have kevlar gloves? They're my new best friend.

Met one of the evening cashiers. She's from Sri Lanka. What a great place this is.

Must be a cold day in heaven when I'm glad to get the fuck away from my dog.

Let's pretend like I'm well rested after thirteen hours in the company of a fussy dog. I'm sure after a gallon of coffee I won't even notice the difference. If only I HAD a gallon of coffee on hand. With Red Bull in it.

Check this out! ACTUAL DATA!

One thing I like about Pakistan is that people have beautiful names like Iftikhar, Majid, Zulfikar, Asfandyar or Jamila.

I return from work after being gone almost the exact hours that I normally spend sleeping. This should work just fine, I think to myself. I walk the dog, eat breakfast, get into bed for a well-deserved... The dog wet the bed. Ah, fuck. It's not that she can't go overnight, so either a) she had a seizure or my personal favourite b) she did it out of pique.

I'm not amused right now.

1.75 hr. I hope my dog is getting a good night sleep.

Four hours. I miss my dog.

As I suspected, being locked in a hardware store at night is pleasant.

(Later.) (I lied. We're not locked in.)

Two hours down, six to go.

Apparently the lights on my way to work are in sync this time of night. Now I'm 35 min early for work. Awkward.

I suppose I'd better get ready for work. Pakistan zindabad!

Roommates go out by the back door. I go out by the front door. I return by the front door 90 minutes later. Roommates return by the back door after being gone three hours... and make absolutely no attempt to use their keys, knowing that they left the back door unlocked. YOU FUCKING CUNTS. I hope the place gets robbed and all your worthless possessions are stolen.

When my voice teacher asks me "what does that feel like" the answer is: The Scream; The Grudge; Darth Vader. I'm thinking some day she'll stop asking me.

The first day of my job hunt, I applied to two places: Home Depot and Air Canada. Why Air Canada? Because they have THE best employee benefit ever: flying anywhere they fly for much much less. But everyone knows that so it's now really hard to get into Air Canada. Accordingly, I never heard back from them. So today, as I'm resetting my sleep to start night shift tonight, the phone rings, and it's... Air Canada. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Well that's really the first time I've had too many jobs to choose from. Next thing you know the Mint might start calling me.

Diana: Work at Air Canada! Way better than Home Depot.

Me: What makes you think that? Air Canada is variable shifts, outdoor work, profitability issues. Home Depot is a stronger company, my hours are set and there are more possible job paths. Air Canada just has that travel deal.

Diana: Does Home Depot give you cheap flights? That would be my reason for choosing to work at AC. Worth it if you want to go anywhere!

Me: Yeah, that was my reason too. But other than that, Home Depot is a better choice. Also, Air Canada is union and you bid your shifts, and the new guys get the last pick. So it's much harder to schedule your personal life, such as voice lessons, dance, soccer, rowing, and church. And also, I don't need to spend the next three months going through ANOTHER large company's HR hoops instead of getting paycheques. Right now I just want to get on with my life in Winnipeg. If I change my mind I can reapply to Air Canada.

Diana: Fair enough, the shift bidding would bother me a lot.

Me: I probably wouldn't even go anywhere until my dog dies anyway. So maybe when she dies I'll apply to Air Canada again. The only place I would have gone is France on the weekends and that is incredibly tiring, even for cheap.

Can't sleep...

7 am when you're on day shift: Dear God I'm so exhausted. Please kill me now.

7 am when you're on night shift: Good morning world! How beautiful you are. I have never felt so alive! What new wonders shall I explore today?

Scumbag Brain...

I'm starting to think that I can't think of any reasonable way to work my schedule for today.

Hey, it's April 9! My 15th wedding anniversary! Been a while since I remembered that date, I can tell you.

Ioana: Ok, so today is not April's fools. Soooo.... You're divorced?!

Me: Either that or fugitive from the law.

Here in the Rich World we have what's called "freedom of opinion." It means you have the right to think exactly the same as everyone else.

Sometimes my polenta is too thick, and sometimes it's too runny. I can never get my polenta Just Right.

Also, my polenta has no grated cheese in it. :(

Once I get working, I can get a Canadian Tire store credit card. With a Canadian Tire store credit card, I can buy my dream bike on the 12-months-no-interest plan. With my dream bike, I can save enough on transit costs to pay off the bike in five months. Conclusion: my job comes with a free bike.

Work: Can you work Tuesday and Wednesday night this week?

Me (aloud): Yes. Yes I can. (Apart) Whatever happened to "we make the schedule four weeks in advance so associates can have work-life balance"? And to giving night workers time to adjust their sleep?

Me: Good morning, world.

World: Margaret Thatcher died.


Srsly??

Morning news from Pakistan are out. Yay, bedtime! Pakistan zindabad!

So I got a cheap planter and some soil from Canadian Tire. The planter is inadequate. Then I realized that I paid $8 for one packet of seeds. Then I went home and found I have, as always, way too many seeds. With the roommate having appropriated the fenced, possibly grassy front yard as her dog's latrine, and the melting snow revealing so far nothing but concrete out back, I'm starting to think there shall be no gardening at this house. Which pisses me off because half the reason of renting a room in a house instead of an apartment is so I'd have a yard.

So then I put some asters, English daisies and those Egyptian beans in the planter. Of course I know the asters and daisies are gonna be too crowded, but what can you do? I can't just not garden.

I don't think today is gonna get any better the longer I stay up.

And just for that, I'm gonna follow Ahmadinejad on Twitter. (Kim Jong-Un and the late Hugo Chavez appear to not be on Twitter.)

Just because you think Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-Un, Hugo Chavez and Imran Khan are all evil dictators doesn't mean I think they're all delightful handsome young men. I have no comment about Ahmadinejad at this time, Kim appears to have cognitive-behavioural issues, Chavez is dead, and Khan is the leader of a party that has never been in power. Tómense un calmante.

"Pope appeals to lapsed faithful."

Waaaaaaaaaait a minute... Is he talking about me?

Question from trainee: Why are none of us scheduled to work for at least another two weeks?

Trainer: Because the schedule is done four weeks in advance. This schedule was done before you even accepted the job.

Bitch, please. It's SEVEN weeks between when I accepted the job and my first shift. If you don't have an answer that's not a lie just say "I'll have to check with HR."

Female Roommate comes downstairs to ask me not to go upstairs because Male Roommate "just had a freakout and is napping." Er..... What the? On the one hand, I'm almost impressed that she's gone that far out of her way to be of service to someone. On the other hand, I'll go upstairs whenever I damn well please especially since my bedroom and the only bathroom are there; and I don't recall you giving a fuck when *I* am sleeping. Shortly thereafter, as I'm quietly minding my own business downstairs, I hear music from upstairs. So again I say: what the fuck?

On the one hand, I feel like punching people. Many people. I need a semi-automatic fist so I can punch more people faster than anyone has ever punched before. On the other hand, conversation at my training (whenever the trainer was out of the room) included past and current events in global politics. Just like that.

Another 261 minutes to waste here. >8( Pakistan zindabad!

I wish I had soil and planters.

I'm greatly aggravated that I'm wasting my Sunday on this; but at least everyone else is just as aggravated.

Next shift: April 22. No one wastes human resources like Human Resources.

Urge to kill rising... Rising...

Four words, Winnipeg: "flashing yellow / flashing red."

Here's the thing: if you haven't lived in Pakistan, I'll take Imran Khan's opinion of Pakistan over yours any day. Conversely if you haven't lived in Canada (e.g. you're Imran Khan), I'll take my opinion of Canada over yours any day. If it's that necessary to you to give me your opinion, try giving me an opinion where you're an expert.

Also if you're Imran Khan and you're reading this, inbox me. I gots opinions for you.

Hectohistory.

If everyone's done pissing me off, I'm gonna go to bed. Pakistan zindabad!

Me: Six blind men.

Google: And the elephant.

Oh, thank you for not coming up with something completely nonsensical for once. I'm not in the mood for nonsense right now.

My employer is one of Canada's 100 Best Employers for diversity and inclusion. We also have a dress code. Would it be worth asking if the dress code allows hijabs, or can I just assume it?

People who don't give a fuck if they offend me shouldn't bother mentioning when I offend them.

Got home from work. Walked dog. Sat down. Looked at time. Have to be at concert in 90 minutes. Have to shower first so I don't have to do it between concert and work tomorrow. Too lazy to take bus. Truthfully, don't want to go anywhere, but I put so much work into getting this ticket. If at least I could take my dog so I wouldn't have to be away from her again. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

I'm strongly inclined not to go to the concert. :(

When I had my third interview, the manager said HR would schedule me for online training between then (March 6) and my orientation (April 6). But then I talked to HR and she said no, you just come in April 6. So I come in and the manager doing the orientation asks "have you been doing any online training?" and I'm thinking "uhoh." And then everyone else shows up and the manager asks who's there for the first time and hasn't done any online training... everyone puts their hands up. And at least three of us were at the same job fair on February 13. Hmmmmmmm... I think HR might be getting a comment about that. Maybe.

Mardrey: No kidding! So how did the manager manage you three?

Me: "Oh. Ok then." I guess she'll take it up with HR later. At least I feel better that I'm not the only one who's been left sitting on my hands at home all this time.

Freedom!!! I've been missing my dog since about 0815.

VP Finance's name is... Mike Rowe. Nooooooooooooooo!!!!

Off to work I go after 10 weeks off.

Not only I have to cancel all my plans for the weekend, I also lose my 10% shift differential. F'ing day shift. >8(

Good morning, 5:30. I hadn't seen you in a long time.

Wake up hungry in the night, go eat something, discover it's actually stomach cramps and not hunger. Scumbag Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!!!! I'll get you for this you mofo!

Wow. Look at all that white residue on everything outside. I'm gonna have to guess there's a volcano nearby, cause it's hardly plausible that it would be snow.

Snow blowing onto my bed through open window. I like.

On my Twitter feed: "Canadian special forces come third in international anti-terrorism competition (behind a Chinese police academy)". So a) I didn't know anti-terrorism was now a competitive sport and b) the Chinese are winning at it???

Facebook is so boring today.

I thought I heard a white-headed gull. . . . I did! I did heard a white-headed gull! Yay, spring!

More historiographical problems: "hippopotami" or "hippopotamuses"?

Ok, with actual keyboard instead of phone: "IKEA is what the Nazis would have done if Hitler had been a nice quiet guy who liked people. And interior design."

Je viens d'entendre une chanson de Carla Bruni à la radio. Putain mais c'est MAUVAIS!!!!!! Incroyable! Oh la la, c'est navrant ça...

Library, via email: We'd like our book back soon. Please?

Me: If it's your book, how come I have it?

Library: Because we lent it to you. We thought you'd give it back.

Me: NEVER! You can't make me!

Library: Ok. :(

I'd like to know how LinkedIn (which I don't actually use) figured out who my roommate is. Presumably through the landlady's email contacts. Am I pissed off? Yes I am. I don't need some dumbass robot connecting me with people I don't want in my life. You suck, social media.

Upstairs Roommates' dirty dishes have been soaking in the sink for three days. Fuuuuuuuuhh... I'd like to meet their mothers some day and see how such filthy people get on in life.

Sometimes I write something totally hilarious in my status or a comment, then I laugh like a monkey, and then I erase it instead of posting it because not everyone enjoys my sense of humour.

I think I have to get up at 5:30 on Saturday. Like, 5:30 in the MORNING. Like cab driving all over again. Woe is me!!!!!!!!

Mardrey: Sorry! that would be tough for me as well. Is this for training?

Me: Yeah. It's annoying because I applied for the night shift specifically so it wouldn't interfere with my busy life of music, dance and religion, and I specifically said my only unavailable time is Sunday morning for church, and they schedule me for training... Saturday and Sunday day shifts. Because their trainers don't work night. So I'm missing: rehearsal and costumes for church musical, Dancing with the Pastors fundraiser and social, church, baby shower for someone from my church family, and perhaps even the long-awaited Monteverdi concert. I managed to exchange my Sunday matinee ticket for a Saturday night ticket but I don't know if I'll have the energy to go. And the dog had her Lyme disease booster today, they gave her an anti-inflammatory with it because she had a reaction to her last vaccine, but I still wouldn't put it past her to get sick on me on the busiest weekend of the year.

Why am I stuck in the seventh millennium after I put so much work into getting out of the fourth? Aaaaaaaaagh! I'm moving backwards in time!

Sometimes I sign out a library book because I need to know what's in it. Other times I sign out a library book just because I can.

Getting me fat arse anywhere in town and back: a bus and a bit of walking. Getting a 10-kg dog eight blocks to the V-E-T: have to break out the $18,000, 2100-kg internal-combustion machine. Er... That makes no sense.

o/~ Let's all go to the V-E-T, let's all go to the V-E-T, let's all go to the V-E-T and get ourselves some vaccines. o/~

MS Word should learn to detect verb tenses. I'm not looking forward to hunting down and fixing every time I changed tense in a 61,000-word document. :(

Go-go-gadget Open Window!!!!!!

Morning news from Pakistan all over my feeds. Must be time to go to bed.

For over a week I've been getting dizzy and headachy in the afternoons as if my medication was running out, and I've been at a loss why, but it's very uncomfortable. Now I've finally figured out: it's the Female Roommate's incense. That explains why it's only in the afternoons since she doesn't get up in the mornings. I really need to get her evicted and my window opened.

Today I answered the door five times and none of it was for me. Also I had to pick up a picture that fell off the wall when Female Roommate slammed her door like a maniac for the third time. And tomorrow I will have to mop and pick up the garbage that blew onto the property this morning during the windstorm.

Somebody should be paying me to do all this babysitting.

You ever notice when you're working on the computer you keep hearing that chime Facebook makes when you have a new notification... but you don't actually have Facebook open?

Me, typing all wrong: y... i... u...

Google: Imran Khan.

Me: What in the world is that about? I need information about long-term north-south motion of the NAO.

Google: My bad.


Apparently, Google is stalking Imran Khan.

I'm hungry, but if I open the fridge I'll eat the sushi and then there will be no sushi left. First World Problems.

I return from my weekly grocery trip, meaning I have sushi. SUSHI! YAY! Female Roommate is in the kitchen when I walk in. Hmmmmmm... So I'm like "yo Female Roommate, would you like some sushi?" She declined, quite politely actually, saying she doesn't care for sushi. So a) I feel righteous because I offered to share my favourite food with someone I don't like and b) I still get to eat all the sushi myself. TOTAL WIN-WIN.

Radio Pakistan: "Secretary ECP says a separate box will be created in ballot paper in which a voter can express his dissatisfaction with all the candidates."

Tell me again how you think we white people can teach the world about democracy? (And bear in mind they have 136 parties to choose from.)

In other news, Firefox sucks. Next suggestion?

Someone touched my grated cheese. Now not only I have less cheese, but I don't want to eat it because that vicious animal touched it with her foul unwashed paws. :(

Me: Google?

Google: Yes, Dave?

Me: Find me photos of this handsome dude.

Google: Ok. Related searches: handsome dude's wife.


Scumbag Google.

Continuing my brilliant idea of the pre-dawn Easter worship, and bearing in mind that Lutherans are musically gifted, I was thinking everyone could gather in silence and with candles or dim light in the sanctuary, and then right at 4:44 (time of fajr for Easter next year), the organ can break into the Hallelujah from Messiah. If we can get a few trained singers to commit to it, they can lead the four parts and the congregation will follow. Right? Right.

Sunday night: dreamed about Slimey and The Handsome One. They were really nice. Woke up depressed and wondering whether these dreams are a) my subconscious expressing how I feel or b) some kind of supernatural perception of how THEY fell (which would be much cooler).

Monday night: dreamed about Imran Khan. He was quite nice, too. Woke up in a much better mood. I guess he's good luck!

Email from my pastor regarding pre-dawn Easter service: "what have I unleashed?"

Hehehehehehehehe....

Also in Pakistan there are 136 parties running in the upcoming election. Because apparently they understand "democracy" a lot better than Canada.

Radio Pakistan and Al Jazeera care more about autism than all my European and North-American news sources put together. You know what, maybe I SHOULD move to Pakistan. Or Qatar. In Qatar there are 300 men per 100 women. But Pakistan sounds way more fun.

Srsly you can't breathe with your stomach, much less with your intestines. And your stomach doesn't go into your pelvis, just barely past your ribs. Maybe they should put some anatomy classes into those music degrees. The only thing you can use for breathing is your lungs. TRUE STORY.

"Accuracy is a duty, not a virtue."

Not even any water on the ice.