Dear pants: it's kind of you to notice my recent weight loss; however, the best time and place to compliment me by sliding effortlessly off my arse sua sponte is NOT when I'm shovelling snow in front of my house in -25 C and broad daylight. Kthxbai.

Ioana: Did you moon anyone?

Me: Luckily for my neighbours, I had a knee-length coat on over my pyjamas.